After seeing all these articles about her new romance with Connor Kennedy and having listened to every one of her songs I feel that it’s my responsibility to write a letter to Ms. Swift with some advice. Simply put, she needs a reality check. At this rate, she’ll be singing breakup songs til shes 90 and will have gone through every loser in Hollywood.
Dear Ms. Taylor Swift,
As a fan and human being, I would like to give you some advice on your love life. I have someone in mind that would be perfect for you and could turn your career from singing sad songs to, well actually, probably having nothing to sing about anymore. But I will save that for later and walk you through all of your mistakes first to bring you down to earth. We will start with Joe Jonas. I mean, you dated a Jonas brother, it doesn’t get much lower than that. A kid wearing a purity ring and making a living off of Nickelodeon. Where in your realm of logic did it seem like a good idea to put your chips in the Joe Jonas pot? He gave you a few good songs but the fact you gave the dude a shot was just a terrible decision on your part. Next we will talk about Taylor Lautner. Had it ever crossed your mind that he could actually potentially be a wolf? Plus, I’m not a rocket scientist or anything, but usually when you marry someone, one of the parties takes the last name of the other. If you think hearing “congratulations to Taylor and Taylor Swift” is a good look then maybe there is something seriously wrong with the balance in your brain. Julia Goolia? Come on now Taylor. Moving on, we will look at Jake Gyllenhaal. All I should say is Brokeback Mountain and that should be reason enough but I will elaborate. You are 22 and he is 32. Now, I am not a mathematician but he is ten years older than you and was in Brokeback Mountain. Newtons Law says that Brokeback Mountain + 10 year age difference= gross disgustingness. Speaking of old creeps, um, John Mayer? Let me break this down for ya. The man wrote a song, about his goal to violate every mother and father’s little girl. Sounds like a trustworthy guy, right? Not to mention he’s probably slept with half of Hollywood. I know you like the beach and everything with your new Cape Cod ventures but crabs ain’t a good look either. Lastly, we are going to talk about your latest and possibly worst mistake. I mean, props on flipping the script on the old dudes but you went a little too far. Connor Kennedy, the 18 year old dude with a mop on his head. Sure, on the surface it may seem like a good thing. Date a guy who has tons of money, fame, and sits on his ass all day living off his families accomplishments. But buying a million dollar mansion across from the Kennedy Estate is psycho shit. Connor is probably sitting around at night with his 18 year old buddies getting stoned saying, ” Well I’m a millionaire for doing nothing, and now I have one of the richest women in the world on my nuts. Nice.” And lets not forget the biggest glaring fact in this whole ordeal. I won’t go as far as saying the Kennedy’s are cursed, but the Kennedy’s are cursed. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day the whole Haynnis Port breaks off the Cape and floats away. Something horrible always happens to the Kennedy’s and it seems like every year it’s happening. Mo money mo problems I guess.
Now that I’ve filled you in on all your blatantly horrible love ventures, I am going to tell you who I think would suit you best. Actually, I am kind of afraid that if you two got married the world would just end. His name is Mr. Tim Tebow. Think of the stardom you two would have. You guys would be more powerful than presidents, prime ministers, mobsters. You would run the world, plain and simple. Two Tweets and you guys could decide 3 quarters of the vote in the presidential election. Stop with all the trash in Hollywood and send a Direct Message to Tim tonight. I actually think there might even be a small chance that if you guys do have a child, that your child would be the Messiah, no joke. You could be the next Mary, and your sitting here wasting your time with a teenager. I hope this letter has brought attention to you all of the blatant mistakes you have made that could have been avoided. Granted, you might not be famous if it wasn’t for these guys cause you would have nothing to write your songs about, but the charade is up. Tim is waiting. Go Jets.