Dear President Obama,
How’s it going? I’ m sure you’re busy watching college basketball right now trying to get ready for your 1 hour bracket special coming up in a few months so I’ll try and keep it short to not take up too much of your time. I graduated from college last May with a piece of paper worth $70,000 and a bank account that said zero because I spent my last $30 on my cap and gown in order to graduate. That’s weird right? We pay all that money to go to school for 4 years and have to buy our cap and gown in order to graduate. Anyway, all I heard through my 4 years were how the numbers were growing of college graduates that were unemployed or underemployed and I was very optimistic because I knew that there would be a new president elected shortly after I graduated. Surely that would make things 150 times better. The economy would turn around, more jobs would be created, my tax money wouldn’t be going to people sitting at home not working because they don’t want to. Unfortunately, my optimism wasn’t enough to keep the loonies out of the voting booth’s that day. While we are on the subject, I wanted to say congratulations on your inauguration the other day. I have to applaud having Lupe Fiasco there to ring in your 4 years of presidency. I’m thinking you need a new event planner, should I attach my resume to this? Oh wait, I wouldn’t be able to get the job any way because I need experience because I have had so much time to gain experience, you know, while studying full time to get a degree to get a job. Weird, I know.
The real reason I’m writing this letter is to ask for your advice. I have a huge decision I need to make and I should ask the person with the best judgement out there. And yes, spending an hour on television talking about college basketball is definitely a good decision compared to all the other boring, non important things you could have been doing like trying to figure out why our country sucks now. So since I can’t find a job and I’m sending my paycheck to you every week, I have narrowed my options down and I need to know what the best route for me would be.
1. Join the Occupy Wall Street Movement– This is what I think is my best option. At this point I’m basically praying Wells Fargo goes bankrupt so why not join forces with the best movement out there ready to take on the big banks? I already have a tent, I have plenty of cardboard available to make clever, witty signs since I go through 30’s every week just to pretend I’m still in college, and I’m out of deodorant right now so that will cut costs for me and will make me fit right in. The only thing I’m missing is a pony tail, dark eye shadow, skinny jeans, moccasins, and I have a functioning brain which would put me in the minority.
2. Move to Canada– Have you ever been to Canada? I’m sure you have. You’ve definitely been to St. Catherine Street in Montreal. Don’t worry I won’t tell the First Lady. I just hope when you went to Cleopatra you walked upstairs and not downstairs. I mean, unless you’re into that then that’s totally cool. But realistically, Canada would be awesome. Hockey 24/7, and, well, that’s pretty much it. But hey, that’s better than here. Maybe I could even get my foot run over by a postal truck like Seth Rogen in Knocked Up and get like 10,000 bucks from the British Columbia government. I’m not a mathematician or anything but that could last me like, 10 years. If I got my foot run over by a postal truck here I would be sitting in the emergency room for 9 hours and be so pissed off by the end that I forget to even file a lawsuit.
3. Find a time machine, become a citizen of Mexico, then illegally immigrate to whatever state in America I want and then be eligible for in-state tuition– This one would be real tough to pull off. I have most of the kinks worked out but it’s still risky but definitely worth the risk. I mean, I live in New Hampshire. We have like 4 state schools, all of which are more expensive than they should be. Why would I be restricted to that state when I can be an illegal immigrant and get to go to school wherever I want for in-state prices? Best of both worlds! Illegal immigrants should definitely be rewarded for coming to this country without permission. And I was starting to think the American dream was working at a grocery store with debt up to my eyeballs.
So the ball is in your court prez. As Brett Favre once said, what should I do? It’s pretty cold out right now so if you’re going to suggest 1 or 2, please at least wait until Spring. And if you are going to suggest 3, the least you could do is hook me up with a free Hepatitis shot. Or maybe you are in a giving mood while reading this and you could hook me up with a sweet job or maybe pay my debt for me. I know this is a little far fetched since you aren’t the type of guy to promote hand-outs, you like to make people earn the money they receive and I get that. Oh and if you get a chance, try and get most of the schools to offer a “paper or plastic? 101” class. I feel like that class would help most of the 53% of the underemployed college grads more than any of that economics and finance mumbo- jumbo.
Well, thanks for listening Mr. Obama. I need to get to sleep, got a long day of work tomorrow stocking the shelves at the grocery store. I’m sorry if I sound a little whiney in parts of this letter. But you can understand why I wouldn’t want to be outside in the cold with the Occupiers or living in Canada during winter, right? Well, good luck in your next term. If we can get through the Mayan calender ending, we can get through anything.
P.S.- I know your a Tar Heels fan and I wish them the best of luck in the NIT this year. You should definitely do a NIT special to go along with your tourney picks.