Open Letter to President Obama

Dear President Obama,

How’s it going? I’ m sure you’re busy watching college basketball right now trying to get ready for your 1 hour bracket special coming up in a few months so I’ll try and keep it short to not take up too much of your time. I graduated from college last May with a piece of paper worth $70,000 and a bank account that said zero because I spent my last $30 on my cap and gown in order to graduate. That’s weird right? We pay all that money to go to school for 4 years and have to buy our cap and gown in order to graduate. Anyway, all I heard through my 4 years were how the numbers were growing of college graduates that were unemployed or underemployed and I was very optimistic because I knew that there would be a new president elected shortly after I graduated. Surely that would make things 150 times better. The economy would turn around, more jobs would be created, my tax money wouldn’t be going to people sitting at home not working because they don’t want to. Unfortunately, my optimism wasn’t enough to keep the loonies out of the voting booth’s that day. While we are on the subject, I wanted to say congratulations on your inauguration the other day. I have to applaud having Lupe Fiasco there to ring in your 4 years of presidency. I’m thinking you need a new event planner, should I attach my resume to this? Oh wait, I wouldn’t be able to get the job any way because I need experience because I have had so much time to gain experience, you know, while studying full time to get a degree to get a job. Weird, I know.

The real reason I’m writing this letter is to ask for your advice. I have a huge decision I need to make and I should ask the person with the best judgement out there. And yes, spending an hour on television talking about college basketball is definitely a good decision compared to all the other boring, non important things you could have been doing like trying to figure out why our country sucks now. So since I can’t find a job and I’m sending my paycheck to you every week, I have narrowed my options down and I need to know what the best route for me would be.

1. Join the Occupy Wall Street Movement– This is what I think is my best option. At this point I’m basically praying Wells Fargo goes bankrupt so why not join forces with the best movement out there ready to take on the big banks? I already have a tent, I have plenty of cardboard available to make clever, witty signs since I go through 30’s every week just to pretend I’m still in college, and I’m out of deodorant right now so that will cut costs for me and will make me fit right in. The only thing I’m missing is a pony tail, dark eye shadow, skinny jeans, moccasins, and I have a functioning brain which would put me in the minority.

2. Move to Canada– Have you ever been to Canada? I’m sure you have. You’ve definitely been to St. Catherine Street in Montreal. Don’t worry I won’t tell the First Lady. I just hope when you went to Cleopatra you walked upstairs and not downstairs. I mean, unless you’re into that then that’s totally cool. But realistically, Canada would be awesome. Hockey 24/7, and, well, that’s pretty much it. But hey, that’s better than here. Maybe I could even get my foot run over by a postal truck like Seth Rogen in Knocked Up and get like 10,000 bucks from the British Columbia government. I’m not a mathematician or anything but that could last me like, 10 years. If I got my foot run over by a postal truck here I would be sitting in the emergency room for 9 hours and be so pissed off by the end that I forget to even file a lawsuit.

3. Find a time machine, become a citizen of Mexico, then illegally immigrate to whatever state in America I want and then be eligible for in-state tuition– This one would be real tough to pull off. I have most of the kinks worked out but it’s still risky but definitely worth the risk. I mean, I live in New Hampshire. We have like 4 state schools, all of which are more expensive than they should be. Why would I be restricted to that state when I can be an illegal immigrant and get to go to school wherever I want for in-state prices? Best of both worlds! Illegal immigrants should definitely be rewarded for coming to this country without permission. And I was starting to think the American dream was working at a grocery store with debt up to my eyeballs.

So the ball is in your court prez. As Brett Favre once said, what should I do? It’s pretty cold out right now so if you’re going to suggest 1 or 2, please at least wait until Spring. And if you are going to suggest 3, the least you could do is hook me up with a free Hepatitis shot. Or maybe you are in a giving mood while reading this and you could hook me up with a sweet job or maybe pay my debt for me. I know this is a little far fetched since you aren’t the type of guy to promote hand-outs, you like to make people earn the money they receive and I get that. Oh and if you get a chance, try and get most of the schools to offer a “paper or plastic? 101” class. I feel like that class would help most of the 53% of the underemployed college grads more than any of that economics and finance mumbo- jumbo.

Well, thanks for listening Mr. Obama. I need to get to sleep, got a long day of work tomorrow stocking the shelves at the grocery store. I’m sorry if I sound a little whiney in parts of this letter. But you can understand why I wouldn’t want to be outside in the cold with the Occupiers or living in Canada during winter, right? Well, good luck in your next term. If we can get through the Mayan calender ending, we can get through anything.

Sincerely,

Mike

 

P.S.- I know your a Tar Heels fan and I wish them the best of luck in the NIT this year. You should definitely do a NIT special to go along with your tourney picks.

Three Days Left Until the End of the World

2012Now, I am the biggest advocate for December 21, 2012. I’ve actually been banking on it the past few years. Wells Fargo and the Government can’t find me if the world is ending, right? Honestly though, I thought I was the only person who actually believed the world was going to end soon. But after spending the last 8 hours watching the Discovery Channel, I clearly was wrong. That has me somewhat frightened. So, there’s actually millions of other people including scientists at Harvard and shit who think this is actually a possibility, not just some random guy in his basement claiming a Rapture? Oh god. Either way, this has got me thinking about how the world is actually going to end on Friday. In my personal opinion, I just think Friday will be the beginning of the end. Something rather catastrophic will happen that will set things in motion. Maybe something like a natural disaster, or Obama doing something right for once in office, or just something very unusual that will make your first instinct be, “oh shit, where’s my Mayan calender?”

The Discovery Channel  is definitely pulling for a zombie apocalypse. Showing all these sickos who are actually prepping for the Walking Dead to be reality. I kind of dig it though. There’s nothing wrong with being prepared. These are definitely the people who are at the grocery store buying every battery and gallon of water possible when the weather man says we are getting 2 inches of snow. Zombie apocalypse checklist: Shotgun, knife/machete, food, water, pistol, ammo. And yeah this would probably be the one time I don’t forget to bring my phone charger somewhere  I think a zombie apocalypse would be awesome. Minus the having to live in the middle of nowhere hoping there isn’t someone trying to bite your face off behind you. According to the CDC though, there is no zombie epidemic, and taking bath salts make you eat someones face off, naked in Miami. Best. Cover-up. Ever.

Other people think that there is going to be like a huge wave of water that just tsunami’s us all. Or solar flares that burn our faces off. Or gas build up blowing up the Earth’s crust. All very valid options. These are the last things I want to happen. There’s no fun in just one second and poof there goes the world. There has to be some drama in it all.  Has anyone ever just thought that maybe, just maybe, that one Mayan guy was just really tired from carving out 5,000 years of calender into his stone tablet and pulled a Forrest Gump and just said ” I’m kind of tired, I think I’ll go home now”.

So what do you guys think? Vote on the poll and let me know how the world will end on Friday. If you have any other ideas feel free to comment too. But do it before Friday or else we’ll never know.

Top 10 Most Important Things I learned in College

So it has been about 6 months since I unfortunately graduated from college, and my good old grace period for loans is up. It was a good run. Now that I’m safely in Canada under the alias of Harry Balzonya I figured it was a good time to reflect on the best 4 years a human will ever have. Unless your on like a 5 or 6 year plan which I should have done. Either way, here is my top 10 most important things that I learned through my 4 years at college:

10. There is always tomorrow for homework– I used to be a huge procrastinator in high school, and I was a bigger procrastinator in college. The only difference being I actually ended up doing the work in college. Regardless, when I would just be sitting there in bed after skipping class with a huge paper due the next day, the one thing I figured out was that there is always tomorrow. It didn’t matter if the class was at 10. Wake up at 7, make your life a living hell that day, but Netflix for the entire day before is much more important.

9. Opening windows from the outside instead of using a door is bad– I may or may not have tried going into a building through a gigantic glass window and had the top half crash and shatter everywhere. I learned that doors are much more sturdy and a safer option to go through if your main goal is to get into a house. And for the record I definitely did not break that window.

8. Funneling is > Shotgunning– Funneling is just too simple of a process not to be better than shotgunning. You pour the beer in and wait for the foam to go down and drink. Shotgunning is too much work for me these days. Not to mention I feel like I’m about to slice my finger off and bleed out in the bathroom with 10 people watching.

 

7. Registering for Classes is the worst thing ever invented by anyone– Waking up at 6:55, turning on that laptop, getting to your page with your classes in it, hitting submit and BAM. Your adviser forgot to sign off that you went over your classes with him and all your classes fill up right before your eyes. Thankfully nothing too drastic ever happened to me on registration day but god damn. There’s gotta be a better way. I had nightmares of that damn big red stop sign popping up the morning I’m trying to get my classes. All I could think of was having to wake up before 2 pm every day and having classes on Thursday and Friday. Freakin miserable. I get the chills just thinking about it.

6. “I’m doing homework” is a college guys code for “I’m playing COD”– Now, let me make this clear. If you have your laptop out with a word document open with your name, date, and class written in the top corner, that qualifies as doing homework. Sometimes I wish there would have been a timer on Microsoft Word that would tell me how long I let my document sit there with just my name written on it. This one kind of goes back to the other lesson that there’s always tomorrow but playing Call of Duty all night is much more exciting than writing a paper on a book that I didn’t read. You would think that teachers would realize that nobody read the books in their 4 years of high school, why would it change now.

“You better call PETA today. I’m shooting a dog in the face.”

5. Hangovers are absolutely terrible– I think half of my days as an undergrad were spent with a hangover. And I can not function with a hangover so that tells you how much I got done in 4 years. I swear to this day that I had a 2 week hangover after one of my birthdays. Needless to say it was the worst 2 weeks of my life. I guess we should all be thankful that hangovers exist because, if they didn’t then we would all never stop drinking. But a life with no hangovers would be 150% better.

4. If your teacher wrote ” Students are allowed 3 absences before their grade is affected” on the syllabus it means they want you to miss 3 classes– I hated hearing people say you’re paying for the class and then like breaking down each class and how much it is costing you. If my teacher sits there and talks about a power point for 45 minutes and then posts that power point online the next day you better believe I’m taking my 3 days. Besides, the options are sit in class on my laptop on Facebook for 45 minutes or sit in my bed on my laptop on Facebook for 45 minutes so I think the answer is clear.

3. Never leave your door unlocked, ever– I don’t even know why I put this because half the time it didn’t even matter if the door was locked or not. I think I should have wrote never live with me or my roommates. Mostly every prank that happened was on an April Fools day but for a while it was just whenever the opportunity presented itself.

prank

 

2. If you don’t remember it……it still happened–  At first I thought this wasn’t true. I was really banking on the fact that if I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen. Especially the time when I allegedly drank a handle that was left outside in the hallway labeled “free” that probably was full of toilet water. Or when everyone woke me up in the middle of the night and told me we were leaving and I packed my bag and sat in the car. The sooner you can cope with the fact that, as Mike Tyson and Stu once said ” People do dumb shit when they’re fucked up” the better.

1. Graduating sucks– The ceremony sucks. Leaving school sucks. Getting your diploma sucks. Listening to the commencement speaker ramble on about nothing sucks. Wearing a cap and gown sucks. Taking 5,000 pictures sucks. Paying loans suck. And most importantly the real world sucks.

 

Yeah, unless you wanna work 40 hours a week.

There ya have it. As you can see I learned a lot in 4 years. Definitely worth 75K. Don’t worry though people, only 15 more days until the end of the world. Honestly, I just hope Wells Fargo falls of the face of the earth. Either way.

My Open Letter to Taylor Swift

After seeing all these articles about her new romance with Connor Kennedy and having listened to every one of her songs I feel that it’s my responsibility to write a letter to Ms. Swift with some advice. Simply put, she needs a reality check. At this rate, she’ll be singing breakup songs til shes 90 and will have gone through every loser in Hollywood.

Dear Ms. Taylor Swift,

As a fan and human being, I would like to give you some advice on your love life. I have someone in mind that would be perfect for you and could turn your career from singing sad songs to, well actually, probably having nothing to sing about anymore. But I will save that for later and walk you through all of your mistakes first to bring you down to earth. We will start with Joe Jonas. I mean, you dated a Jonas brother, it doesn’t get much lower than that. A kid wearing a purity ring and making a living off of Nickelodeon. Where in your realm of logic did it seem like a good idea to put your chips in the Joe Jonas pot? He gave you a few good songs but the fact you gave the dude a shot was just a terrible decision on your part. Next we will talk about Taylor Lautner. Had it ever crossed your mind that he could actually potentially be a wolf? Plus, I’m not a rocket scientist or anything, but usually when you marry someone, one of the parties takes the last name of the other. If you think hearing “congratulations to Taylor and Taylor Swift” is a good look then maybe there is something seriously wrong with the balance in your brain. Julia Goolia? Come on now Taylor. Moving on, we will look at Jake Gyllenhaal. All I should say is Brokeback Mountain and that should be reason enough but I will elaborate. You are 22 and he is 32. Now, I am not a mathematician but he is ten years older than you and was in Brokeback Mountain. Newtons Law says that Brokeback Mountain + 10 year age difference= gross disgustingness. Speaking of old creeps, um, John Mayer? Let me break this down for ya. The man wrote a song, about his goal to violate every mother and father’s little girl. Sounds like a trustworthy guy, right? Not to mention he’s probably slept with half of Hollywood. I know you like the beach and everything with your new Cape Cod ventures but crabs ain’t a good look either. Lastly, we are going to talk about your latest and possibly worst mistake. I mean, props on flipping the script on the old dudes but you went a little too far. Connor Kennedy, the 18 year old dude with a mop on his head. Sure, on the surface it may seem like a good thing. Date a guy who has tons of money, fame, and sits on his ass all day living off his families accomplishments. But buying a million dollar mansion across from the Kennedy Estate is psycho shit. Connor is probably sitting around at night with his 18 year old buddies getting stoned saying, ” Well I’m a millionaire for doing nothing, and now I have one of the richest women in the world on my nuts. Nice.” And lets not forget the biggest glaring fact in this whole ordeal. I won’t go as far as saying the Kennedy’s are cursed, but the Kennedy’s are cursed. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day the whole Haynnis Port breaks off the Cape and floats away. Something horrible always happens to the Kennedy’s and it seems like every year it’s happening. Mo money mo problems I guess.

Now that I’ve filled you in on all your blatantly horrible love ventures, I am going to tell you who I think would suit you best. Actually, I am kind of afraid that if you two got married the world would just end. His name is Mr. Tim Tebow. Think of the stardom you two would have. You guys would be more powerful than presidents, prime ministers, mobsters. You would run the world, plain and simple. Two Tweets and you guys could decide 3 quarters of the vote in the presidential election. Stop with all the trash in Hollywood and send a Direct Message to Tim tonight. I actually think there might even be a small chance that if you guys do have a child, that your child would be the Messiah, no joke. You could be the next Mary, and your sitting here wasting your time with a teenager. I hope this letter has brought attention to you all of the blatant mistakes you have made that could have been avoided. Granted, you might not be famous if it wasn’t for these guys cause you would have nothing to write your songs about, but the charade is up. Tim is waiting. Go Jets.

Sincerely,

Cupid