Best Christmas Songs

I have already ranked the top 5 Christmas movies, so why not count down the top 5 Christmas songs. I just got back for winter break, and the store I work at part-time plays Christmas music 24/7 and has been since Thanksgiving. I have heard every single Christmas song ever created, and also every remake of every Christmas song so here goes nothing:

#5- The Christmas Shoes- Many of you might disagree because the song makes you sad, cry, angry etc. but the fact of the matter is, this is a great song. It is a very sad song, I will admit that, talking about a kid who is just trying to buy some shoes for his poor mother who is dying. I’m not really sure what was going through NewSongs heads when they decided to make a sad Christmas song like this, but they did and it was actually a big hit when it first came out. Some lady wrote a book about it which became a New York Best Seller, then they made it into a TV movie on CBS. I just stick to the YouTube video which is depressing enough, regardless of how ugly the kid in the video is. I mean, let’s be real they could have found a more convincing kid and if you haven’t seen it, watch it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpkI7GW2V34. With that said, I would love to put this song higher on my list but most of you will probably even disagree with it being on here so it starts the list off at #5.

#4- The Hannukah Song- Adam Sandler just plain nailed this one. This is arguably one of the funniest songs ever written, and is something you have to listen to every Christmas. “Oj Simspon, not a Jew” is probably the best line in any song ever created by anyone. That line actually inspired me to buy a shirt that says drink apple juice, OJ will kill you. Anyway, Adam Sandler is one of my favorite actors, not just because he is from my home town but because he is one of the funniest guys around. From his days on Saturday Night Live to Billy Maddison and Happy Gilmore, he never fails to make you laugh. I guess you could argue that this technically isn’t a Christmas song, but maybe it’s the part of me that wants to be diverse and understanding of other religions that allowed me to put it on the list. Maybe I will rename it the Best Holiday Songs. If I did that I think I would make Obee pretty upset. So The Hannukah Song stays at number 4 on the Best CHRISTMAS Songs list.

#3- I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas- Now, many of you are thinking this song in no way belongs at number 3. But you have to remember, the version I am specifically picking for this spot is the one from Home Alone. Here is the link of the best YouTube video of the song out there and when you hear it you’ll know which one I’m talking about http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7iLc7XhU8E. This song is gold. Every time I hear it I can’t decide which voice I want to sing. Sometimes I’m in the mood to be the deep voice and sometimes I want to be the other guy. A little variety never hurt anyone. Plus any song that is featured in any Home Alone movie is genius. I could listen to this song over and over again and it would be awesome every time. Buzz, your girlfriend WOOF. Duh duh, duh duh duh it’s number 3.

#2- Dominick the Donkey- It kills me not to put this number one but number 2 on the list is pretty solid. Who doesn’t love a song about a cute little donkey named Dominick who just makes donkey noises all day. I personally think whoever invented the whole reindeer flying Santa’s sleigh should be shot for not having little old Dominik do it. I mean come on. We all know reindeer can’t fly, and there’s probably only 100 people who have ever even seen a reindeer in their lives. I bet Dominick could pull Santa’s sleigh around the world in one night without flying. That’s what donkeys do haven’t you seen Borat? So it is here that I start my petition of killing of Rudolph because, lets face it the other reindeer don’t even like him, and letting Dominick take over. The damn reindeer in Elf almost got Santa killed, what would we do without Santa? We would all have to go to church and celebrate the birth of Christ and who really wants to do that, America’s Christmas is way better.

#1- All I want for Christmas is You- I had to do it. This is by far the best Christmas song out there. Mariah Carey in her prime, singing a song about me. How could you not like it? For the record, she never got her wish. I played hard to get but she ended up settling for Nick Cannon. This song comes on the radio and it gets you in the Christmas spirit. See, this song is almost as sad as Christmas shoes, because it has this poor lady who doesn’t want anything for Christmas except me, and while I have to admit I would be a pretty good Christmas gift, I don’t compare to something like, lets say an Ipod, or that ugly sweater your creepy Uncle made you. As Michael Scott once said, “Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say ‘Hey man, I love you this many dollars worth’.” And Mariah Carey doesn’t even want any presents. That’s why she is landing the top spot on my list. Merry Christmas, holy shit. Where’s the Tylenol.

P.S.- Think of how much better that Mariah Carey picture would be with Dominick in it.

Occupy This

So I would like to welcome Obee to TbowsWorld. He gave me some good blog ideas so I figured I’d give him his own page, you should all check it out. Anyways, I do not know how I haven’t written about this yet. I cannot stand the “Occupiers”. I am embarrassed that most of the ones behind this are from my generation, and apologize to all who were affected by this horrible display of…um…protesting? I think in order for it to be a protest there needs to be a goal, though. The only good thing about the Occupy protest was the fact that it gave me a cheap Halloween costume. Granted nobody had any clue what I was I still thoroughly enjoyed it. The greatest part about it was that people assumed I was dressed up as a bum or a homeless person, and they would not be wrong in assuming that. All of the Occupiers were hippies and people who looked like they shop once a month on food stamp day.

Every single time I heard one of them talk or saw a sign of something like “Bail me out” or “Give me a Job” I literally wanted to throw up. People, this is America. We pride ourselves on being a country of opportunity, where everyone has an equal shot at becoming successful. Most of the people protesting were just young people who had everything handed to them and are now faced with the real world and having to do things on their own. You don’t see illegal immigrants standing in the street complaining because, guess what, they are scooping up jobs left and right. Instead of these unemployed people actually looking for a job or taking any job they can get, they are doing what Cousin Eddy from the Vacation movies is doing and “holding out for management positions”. How can you possibly think standing in a park with thousands of hippies will get you any closer to getting a job? Why should these people have all this money and we have none that isn’t fair. Well you’re right it’s not fair. Life isn’t fair. People work hard to get where they are. The CEO’s of these large corporations didn’t get where they are by standing in a park I’ll tell you that much. I could go on forever about how much I hate the Occupiers but instead I’m gonna have you go to this link to listen to Adam Carolla’s opinion on the Occupiers. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJD8pZiRIzs

And P.S. I am not the 99%. I am not part of your group. I am the .08% because I get drunk and laugh at you people. It’s too bad they kicked all of them out of the parks, now they have to go back to living on random benches. What a shame.

Top 5 Christmas Movies

We are 5 days away from Christmas so it would be a good time to countdown the top 5 Christmas movies.

#5- The Muppets Christmas Carol: This movie is one of those must watch on Christmas Eve movies. Michael Caine plays a great Scrooge and who doesn’t love the muppets? I am pretty sure Michael Caine has done every role possible in the history of the world. From Scrooge to Austin Powers to the Prestige to Alfred from Batman? It is definitely one of the best versions of a Christmas Carol out there, although the Christmas Carol 3D with Jim Carey last year is also pretty good. And any movie with Gonzo as the narrator is a must watch. The best part of this entire movie is when Jacob and Marley or Statler and Waldorf come to Scrooges house. And im pretty sure Harry Potter got the Hagred idea from this movie because the ghost of Christmas present looks scarily similar if that’s possible.

#4- A Christmas Story: I went back and forth on this one but I think the 4 spot is the best spot to put this. It could easily be number 1 on someones list if you have absolutely no sense of humor, but I am going to think most of the people reading this like to laugh once in a while. Many people have declared their hate for this movie, but I guarantee every single person in the history of the world has watched this at least once and has liked it at one point in their life. Just because TBS butchers this movie by showing it for 24 hours straight on Christmas Eve doesn’t take away from the greatness of this movie. You’ll shoot your eye out, Oh Fudge, Fra-gee-lay, the leg lamp, you just can’t go wrong. Watch it once on Christmas Eve/Day and enjoy it and be quiet.

#3- Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: This one killed me. If you talked to me a few years ago, I would have this movie at number 1. This movie has everything. It’s one of those movies that you can watch any time of the year as well which makes it that much better. Kevin McCallister is the little kid that knows more than any of us will ever know in our lives. The brick scene has to be one of the best scenes in the history of any movie. And a Christmas movie isn’t complete without a disgusting lady covered in pigeons and pigeon poop. I think they wanted to incorporate our version of that crazy cat lady, but couldn’t come up with an idea of how she could get the cats to attack Harry and Marv at the end because we all know cats will do the opposite of what you tell them. So suck brick kid and watch this as many times as you can this week, it will probably be on ABC Family about 10 times if you can’t find it.

#2- Elf: This movie has moved up my list faster than you can say Sandusky. Will Ferrell is the only actor who could pull of this role and I could post all the good one-liners in here but I would run out of room; that’s how funny it is. It is humor for the whole family.  The only reason this is not number one is because it hasn’t put in the time yet. To be number one you must have a solid ten years in existence. Elf is just existential yet so accessible, and who doesn’t love eating chewed gum off of New York sidewalks? This movie will be the best Christmas movie in a few years, hands down. The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear so watch this and try not to say Francisco too much, it’s fun to say.

#1- Christmas Vacation: This was a no brainer. Christmas Vacation is a movie everyone can relate to at some point of the movie. It is also a movie that if you’re flipping through the channels and see it on, you have to watch the rest no matter what point in the movie it is. This is arguably the best National Lampoon Vacation movie, although Vegas Vacation is right there with it. Cousin Eddy makes this whole movie with his Dickie and moose mug, emptying his shitter, and assuring Clark that Jelly of the Month Club is the gift that keeps on giving the whole year round. If I was trapped on an island somewhere and I was only allowed to watch one movie the entire time, it would be Christmas Vacation because you can’t go a year without watching it. On a side not this movie may have the best lines of all time in any movie. ” And why is the carpet all wet Todd?” “I don’t know Margo”. I’m not sure why this line is so funny but it is.