NFL Week 1 Predictions

If you didn’t wake up early today excited to run out of your room and see presents under the tree, wait I mean turn on the TV and watch 4 hours of pre-game for week 1 of NFL then you have no soul. The NFL is back today and all is right in the world. You still have time to call up your bookie and get your last minute bets in so I am going to give you some easy money right now.

Patriots @ Bills (+10.5)- Surprise, surprise. Patriots are double digit favorites. This is a tough game for me because you really don’t know what you’re gonna get from the Patriots offense. Mix that with the double digit spread which I always hate and I think you have to go with the underdog to cover in this one. Don’t get me wrong. Brady could easily go out there and put up 7 touchdowns like Peyton and they win by 30 but usually on week 1 I like to stay away from the big favorites.

Tbow’s Pick- Bills +10.5

Titans @ Steelers (-7)- Everyone is expecting CJ2K to bounce back this year but it’s always hard to bet against the Steelers in Pittsburgh. It will be interesting to see how the Pitt offense looks without Mike Wallace and with Redman at running back but it’s hard to picture Pitt not coming out strong in week 1.

Tbow’s Pick- Steelers -7

Falcons @ Saints (-3)- This one was a shocker to me to see the Falcons as dogs. Sure the Saints got Sean Payton back and the Falcons are on the road but I don’t see the Falcons losing this one. Matty Ice really only struggles when he’s outside and not in a dome, and the Falcons defense is by far better than the Saints. I see a shootout but I like the Falcons to cover and pull out a 10 point win over the Saints.

Tbow’s Pick- Falcons +3

Buccaneers @ Jets (+3)- This is my 2nd lock of the week, and I don’t see how anyone could bet on the Jets. Revis coming back to play his former team and the Jets offense is just atrocious. If the Jets get across the 50 yard line this game I will be surprised. But then again, I had a dream that the Jets won by double digits so maybe my subconscious was trying to tell me something.

Tbow’s Pick- Buccaneers -3

Cheifs @ Jags (+4)- Really a tough game for me to wrap my head around. Everyone likes the Cheifs more this year but I don’t at all. I don’t like the Jags either but they are at home and when it’s a coin flip like that I will take a home underdog any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Tbow’s Pick- Jags +4

Bengals @ Bears (-3)- Probably one of the best games of the week right here. Bengals have caught everyone’s eyes this year as a sneaky pick to go to the Super Bowl and Bears are under a new head coach which has let Forte on the loose. Bears lost their heart and soul on defense so that will be something to look for today but I still like Da Bears to pull out a nice W today at home. Sorry Bengals fans.

Tbow’s Pick- Bears -3

Dolphins @ Browns (-2)- If you watch this game you really should re-evaluate your life. Two shit teams going head to head and nobody should even be allowed to bet on this game because it’s just one big pile of shit. But gun to my head I’m going with the Dolphins just because they suck a little less than the Browns.

Tbow’s Pick- Dolphins +2

Seahawks @ Panthers (+3.5)- This game scares the hell out of me. Seattle is a great team with a great defense but they showed that they were much weaker on the road and it will be hard to get Cam on the ground which is the only reason I’m nervous. Seattle is the much better team but the Panthers can easily put up points on anyone if they are clicking. Gotta stick to my gut tho and go with the Hawks on the road.

Tbow’s Pick- Hawks -3.5

Vikings @ Lions (-4.5)- Lions are one of those teams that you know they have the talent but you just never know what your gonna get. Kind of like Forest Gump’s box of chocolates. I think we are going to see a lot of points in this game and it may come down to a last minute field goal which is why I am going to pick the Vikings to cover this one.

Tbow’s Pick- Vikings +4.5

Raiders @ Colts (-11)- Wow. 11 point favorites in week 1. That’s some crazy ish if you ask me. I know the Raiders blow but you got a 2nd year quarterback who looked good but not amazing last season. I think a lot of the Colts success last year was due to Chuck Pagano going through what he was going through and I see the Colts having a similar season but not an 11 point favorite kind of season.

Tbow’s Pick- Raiders +11

Cardinals @ Rams (-4)- Here’s another exciting game for you if excitement to you is watching two shit teams. I like the Rams offense somewhat and have a little faith in Sam Bradford and the Cardinals don’t really do anything for me so give me the home team.

Tbow’s Pick- Rams -4

Packers @ 49ers (-4.5)- Awesome game here. Gonna be a coin flip. Both teams are solid and you mix that with week one I guess I’m just going to go with the underdog. We will see how Kaepernick does without Crabtree this season.

Tbow’s Pick- Packers +4.5

Giants @ Cowboys (-3)- NFC East battle here in the Sunday Nightcap and this ones a coin flip too. Both teams are mediocre at best but Giants always seem to perform well in Dallas so give me another road underdog.

Tbow’s Pick – Giants +3

Eagles @ Redskins (-3.5)- Probably the most exciting game of the week to watch. This game will be fast and it will be 50-49. Whoever gets the ball last will win and I think that is going to be my Eagles. Go Chip Kelly

Tbow’s Pick- Eagles +3.5

Houston @ Chargers (+4)- Does Vegas know something I don’t? 4 point spread? The Texans may win by 50. Glad I won’t have to stay up too late to see who wins this one.

Tbow’s Pick- Texans -100

 

This May Be the Best 3 Minutes on the Internet

Homeward Bound was one of my favorite movies ever. Chance was easily the best. Shadow was that old fart that you put up with but really don’t want to hang out with, and Sassy was just a bitch. But all cats are so that’s self explanatory. But how about this little pug just going crazy when they find their way back. I think the only negative to this whole video is how that poor dog is forced to watch Homeward Bound on that shitty TV from like the 90’s. What is that, a Zenith bro? Hello, we’re in the year 2013. I have a flat screen TV in my bathroom and you are forcing this lovable, cute little pug to watch TV in standard definition?! That dog would have been doing back-flips if he was watching it on a nice 60″ HDTV. He probably would have jumped into Shadows paws and joined them all in the celebration. Well, anyways, I hope that clip brightened up your Sunday hangover.

P.S.- If you’re ever bored one day, watch Homeward Bound in Spanish. If you think talking dogs is crazy, imagine dogs talking in freaking Spanish. Mind blown.

Does Everyone Know That Next Week is Shark Week???!!!

sharkStarting next Sunday, August 4th, the best week of the year will be upon us. I’m sure you’re thinking, hmm, it’s not Christmas, it’s not Spring Break, it’s not Passover, so what could it be? Well, it’s SHARK WEEK! Nothing puts me in a better mood than flipping on the TV and watching a poor little seal get ripped to shreds by a huge great white shark in slow motion. Yeah, go ahead, say “oh no I love seals. They’re so cute. How could you like watching them get eaten?” I’ll tell you why. It’s because they’re stupid. I go in the ocean a lot and I’ve never gotten eaten by a shark. Here’s a hint seals. Go somewhere else. I’m not gonna go hanging out at the cannibals house down the street, so why would a bunch of seals hang around with great whites? Makes no sense. It’s survival of the fittest and clearly seals are at the bottom of the chain.

My second favorite thing about Shark Week is seeing all the stories about people who got their arms and legs bitten off by sharks, yet they still go in the ocean. Call me crazy but if god forbid i ever get attacked by a shark and survive, I’m getting on the next plane to freaking North Dakota and setting up shop in the middle of a corn field. At least then the only things that will be able to get me would be zombies but I’ll take my chances. But seriously, these surfers that get attacked by sharks and still go in the water have to be the craziest people in the world right? Kind of like the seals except slightly smarter. Sure surfing may be your favorite thing to do, but I’m pretty sure my favorite thing to do first and foremost is living. You know, breathing, having my heart beating. Not being some freakish predators breakfast.

I think Shark Week gives sharks a bad wrap too. I bet they are really nice deep down. I kind of compare them to like king pin drug dealers. If you are gonna go into Scarface’s house without asking, you bet your ass he’s gonna pump your guts full of lead. It’s nothing personal, but strictly territorial. We all go into the sharks house, and sometimes they just don’t want visitors. Maybe they just got in a fight with their little baby sharks, maybe they had a bad night’s sleep, maybe it’s just that time of the month. Who are we to judge them? Freakin Bruce hadn’t eaten fish for 2 weeks! Just because he tried to eat Nemo and Dory doesn’t mean he’s a horrible mean shark. So just keep all that in mind when you’re watching Shark Week next week. Sharks aren’t as bad as you think. Unless they attack me then they can all get killed by poachers and fed to the seals on Seal Island.

 

Aaron Hernandez Killing More People, While in Jail?

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So this story has come out that one of Aaron Hernandez’s buddy’s from Connecticut died in a one car accident. The police apparently wanted to talk to him about the murders Hernandez is being investigated for and, well, now they can’t. If I know anything from watching shows like CSI, Sons of Anarchy and Breaking Bad, when people die right before they are about to be questioned about a murder, chances are they were murdered by someone else. The biggest question is, how did Hernandez get this loose end taken care of? The bigger question is, how many people has he offed in his lifetime? I think all you need to do is find out every time he’s rented a car and BAM, there’s your answer. I honestly cant even understand how on earth someone is that stupid. Like, rule one of murdering someone would be rent a car under someone else’s name. Maybe Lloyd Christmas or O.J. Then I would think rule two would be not to bring all the evidence back to your house. Now, I have no experience in this field, certainly not as much as Mr. Hernandez but god damn, the Patriots Way is certainly taking a turn for the worst. I still don’t know how the Pats dig themselves out of this one. Oh wait, yes I do. Put Tebow in. The most rational thing to do would be move Brady to tight end and let Tebow sling em in there to him, but then everyone would get all pissy so fine, just put Tebow at tight end and watch him break Gronks touchdown record. There’s your solution Kraft and Bill. Your welcome.

P.S.- What are the odds Hernandez was singing Our God is an Awesome God while driving home after killing that guy? One week with Tebow again and Hernandez just said screw this I’d rather go to prison than play with this guy again.