How to win your March Madness bracket

It’s that time of year again, where college basketball will consume your life from 12pm Thursday afternoon until the National Championship game. The bracket was released last night, and, like most of you, cannot wait to watch an hour long Obama bracket release special. He actually probably has less time to look into his bracket now that he’s not in the White House though, so we can’t expect too much. That was sarcasm. Aside from that, I am going to tell you exactly what you need to do in order to take down your friend or office March Madness pool.

  1. Do ZERO research- This is a crucial part when trying to determine who will advance in every game. You could spend hours reading articles and watching bracket specials, but I am going to let you in on a secret. Ready? Nobody has any idea what is going to happen. They call it March Madness for a reason. There’s a billion teams, and these kids are 18-22 years old. Last year we had our first 16 seed over a 1 seed. Anything can happen, so in reality, less is more.
  2. Pick whichever team you are a fan of to win the Championship- If you went to any of the schools, or are just a fan of any of the schools that are in the tourney, make sure you pick them to win the whole thing. If they won and you missed out on the opportunity to cash in on that, you’d hate yourself for the rest of eternity. I mean, I guess you’d be excited that your team won, but the odds of you actually picking who’s going to win are slim anyways so you might as well go with a team you like.
  3. Don’t look at the seeds- Seeding is the biggest scam that the tournament has going for it. “Oh, they are the 3 seed, no way they can lose to the 14”. It happens every year. Upsets happen, and honestly there’s usually a good amount of higher seeds that are actually Vegas favorites over the lower seeds. If you’re sitting there at the end and ready to hit submit on a bracket that has 4 number 1 seeds and 4 number 2 seeds in the Elite 8, then I’d probably hit close and start all over.
  4.  Disregard 1, 2 and 3- Don’t listen to anything I say. If you actually took any of this into account you’d be breaking rule number 1 of no research. I don’t know shit, just like everyone else. Put a blindfold on, pick teams out of a hat, I don’t care. The only way you win a bracket is to pick the champion and hope not many other people had that team also. Pretty simple. Just hope that your bracket isn’t completely busted on the first day so you can at least enjoy yelling at the TV for 96 straight hours this weekend.

Open Letter to President Obama

Dear President Obama,

How’s it going? I’ m sure you’re busy watching college basketball right now trying to get ready for your 1 hour bracket special coming up in a few months so I’ll try and keep it short to not take up too much of your time. I graduated from college last May with a piece of paper worth $70,000 and a bank account that said zero because I spent my last $30 on my cap and gown in order to graduate. That’s weird right? We pay all that money to go to school for 4 years and have to buy our cap and gown in order to graduate. Anyway, all I heard through my 4 years were how the numbers were growing of college graduates that were unemployed or underemployed and I was very optimistic because I knew that there would be a new president elected shortly after I graduated. Surely that would make things 150 times better. The economy would turn around, more jobs would be created, my tax money wouldn’t be going to people sitting at home not working because they don’t want to. Unfortunately, my optimism wasn’t enough to keep the loonies out of the voting booth’s that day. While we are on the subject, I wanted to say congratulations on your inauguration the other day. I have to applaud having Lupe Fiasco there to ring in your 4 years of presidency. I’m thinking you need a new event planner, should I attach my resume to this? Oh wait, I wouldn’t be able to get the job any way because I need experience because I have had so much time to gain experience, you know, while studying full time to get a degree to get a job. Weird, I know.

The real reason I’m writing this letter is to ask for your advice. I have a huge decision I need to make and I should ask the person with the best judgement out there. And yes, spending an hour on television talking about college basketball is definitely a good decision compared to all the other boring, non important things you could have been doing like trying to figure out why our country sucks now. So since I can’t find a job and I’m sending my paycheck to you every week, I have narrowed my options down and I need to know what the best route for me would be.

1. Join the Occupy Wall Street Movement– This is what I think is my best option. At this point I’m basically praying Wells Fargo goes bankrupt so why not join forces with the best movement out there ready to take on the big banks? I already have a tent, I have plenty of cardboard available to make clever, witty signs since I go through 30’s every week just to pretend I’m still in college, and I’m out of deodorant right now so that will cut costs for me and will make me fit right in. The only thing I’m missing is a pony tail, dark eye shadow, skinny jeans, moccasins, and I have a functioning brain which would put me in the minority.

2. Move to Canada– Have you ever been to Canada? I’m sure you have. You’ve definitely been to St. Catherine Street in Montreal. Don’t worry I won’t tell the First Lady. I just hope when you went to Cleopatra you walked upstairs and not downstairs. I mean, unless you’re into that then that’s totally cool. But realistically, Canada would be awesome. Hockey 24/7, and, well, that’s pretty much it. But hey, that’s better than here. Maybe I could even get my foot run over by a postal truck like Seth Rogen in Knocked Up and get like 10,000 bucks from the British Columbia government. I’m not a mathematician or anything but that could last me like, 10 years. If I got my foot run over by a postal truck here I would be sitting in the emergency room for 9 hours and be so pissed off by the end that I forget to even file a lawsuit.

3. Find a time machine, become a citizen of Mexico, then illegally immigrate to whatever state in America I want and then be eligible for in-state tuition– This one would be real tough to pull off. I have most of the kinks worked out but it’s still risky but definitely worth the risk. I mean, I live in New Hampshire. We have like 4 state schools, all of which are more expensive than they should be. Why would I be restricted to that state when I can be an illegal immigrant and get to go to school wherever I want for in-state prices? Best of both worlds! Illegal immigrants should definitely be rewarded for coming to this country without permission. And I was starting to think the American dream was working at a grocery store with debt up to my eyeballs.

So the ball is in your court prez. As Brett Favre once said, what should I do? It’s pretty cold out right now so if you’re going to suggest 1 or 2, please at least wait until Spring. And if you are going to suggest 3, the least you could do is hook me up with a free Hepatitis shot. Or maybe you are in a giving mood while reading this and you could hook me up with a sweet job or maybe pay my debt for me. I know this is a little far fetched since you aren’t the type of guy to promote hand-outs, you like to make people earn the money they receive and I get that. Oh and if you get a chance, try and get most of the schools to offer a “paper or plastic? 101” class. I feel like that class would help most of the 53% of the underemployed college grads more than any of that economics and finance mumbo- jumbo.

Well, thanks for listening Mr. Obama. I need to get to sleep, got a long day of work tomorrow stocking the shelves at the grocery store. I’m sorry if I sound a little whiney in parts of this letter. But you can understand why I wouldn’t want to be outside in the cold with the Occupiers or living in Canada during winter, right? Well, good luck in your next term. If we can get through the Mayan calender ending, we can get through anything.

Sincerely,

Mike

 

P.S.- I know your a Tar Heels fan and I wish them the best of luck in the NIT this year. You should definitely do a NIT special to go along with your tourney picks.

Top 10 Most Important Things I learned in College

So it has been about 6 months since I unfortunately graduated from college, and my good old grace period for loans is up. It was a good run. Now that I’m safely in Canada under the alias of Harry Balzonya I figured it was a good time to reflect on the best 4 years a human will ever have. Unless your on like a 5 or 6 year plan which I should have done. Either way, here is my top 10 most important things that I learned through my 4 years at college:

10. There is always tomorrow for homework– I used to be a huge procrastinator in high school, and I was a bigger procrastinator in college. The only difference being I actually ended up doing the work in college. Regardless, when I would just be sitting there in bed after skipping class with a huge paper due the next day, the one thing I figured out was that there is always tomorrow. It didn’t matter if the class was at 10. Wake up at 7, make your life a living hell that day, but Netflix for the entire day before is much more important.

9. Opening windows from the outside instead of using a door is bad– I may or may not have tried going into a building through a gigantic glass window and had the top half crash and shatter everywhere. I learned that doors are much more sturdy and a safer option to go through if your main goal is to get into a house. And for the record I definitely did not break that window.

8. Funneling is > Shotgunning– Funneling is just too simple of a process not to be better than shotgunning. You pour the beer in and wait for the foam to go down and drink. Shotgunning is too much work for me these days. Not to mention I feel like I’m about to slice my finger off and bleed out in the bathroom with 10 people watching.

 

7. Registering for Classes is the worst thing ever invented by anyone– Waking up at 6:55, turning on that laptop, getting to your page with your classes in it, hitting submit and BAM. Your adviser forgot to sign off that you went over your classes with him and all your classes fill up right before your eyes. Thankfully nothing too drastic ever happened to me on registration day but god damn. There’s gotta be a better way. I had nightmares of that damn big red stop sign popping up the morning I’m trying to get my classes. All I could think of was having to wake up before 2 pm every day and having classes on Thursday and Friday. Freakin miserable. I get the chills just thinking about it.

6. “I’m doing homework” is a college guys code for “I’m playing COD”– Now, let me make this clear. If you have your laptop out with a word document open with your name, date, and class written in the top corner, that qualifies as doing homework. Sometimes I wish there would have been a timer on Microsoft Word that would tell me how long I let my document sit there with just my name written on it. This one kind of goes back to the other lesson that there’s always tomorrow but playing Call of Duty all night is much more exciting than writing a paper on a book that I didn’t read. You would think that teachers would realize that nobody read the books in their 4 years of high school, why would it change now.

“You better call PETA today. I’m shooting a dog in the face.”

5. Hangovers are absolutely terrible– I think half of my days as an undergrad were spent with a hangover. And I can not function with a hangover so that tells you how much I got done in 4 years. I swear to this day that I had a 2 week hangover after one of my birthdays. Needless to say it was the worst 2 weeks of my life. I guess we should all be thankful that hangovers exist because, if they didn’t then we would all never stop drinking. But a life with no hangovers would be 150% better.

4. If your teacher wrote ” Students are allowed 3 absences before their grade is affected” on the syllabus it means they want you to miss 3 classes– I hated hearing people say you’re paying for the class and then like breaking down each class and how much it is costing you. If my teacher sits there and talks about a power point for 45 minutes and then posts that power point online the next day you better believe I’m taking my 3 days. Besides, the options are sit in class on my laptop on Facebook for 45 minutes or sit in my bed on my laptop on Facebook for 45 minutes so I think the answer is clear.

3. Never leave your door unlocked, ever– I don’t even know why I put this because half the time it didn’t even matter if the door was locked or not. I think I should have wrote never live with me or my roommates. Mostly every prank that happened was on an April Fools day but for a while it was just whenever the opportunity presented itself.

prank

 

2. If you don’t remember it……it still happened–  At first I thought this wasn’t true. I was really banking on the fact that if I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen. Especially the time when I allegedly drank a handle that was left outside in the hallway labeled “free” that probably was full of toilet water. Or when everyone woke me up in the middle of the night and told me we were leaving and I packed my bag and sat in the car. The sooner you can cope with the fact that, as Mike Tyson and Stu once said ” People do dumb shit when they’re fucked up” the better.

1. Graduating sucks– The ceremony sucks. Leaving school sucks. Getting your diploma sucks. Listening to the commencement speaker ramble on about nothing sucks. Wearing a cap and gown sucks. Taking 5,000 pictures sucks. Paying loans suck. And most importantly the real world sucks.

 

Yeah, unless you wanna work 40 hours a week.

There ya have it. As you can see I learned a lot in 4 years. Definitely worth 75K. Don’t worry though people, only 15 more days until the end of the world. Honestly, I just hope Wells Fargo falls of the face of the earth. Either way.