Bye Bye Jrue

Nerlens-NoelAfter a few months of drinking myself into forgetting that Andrew Bynum didn’t play a single game for the Sixers last year, I decided to check in on the NBA draft the other night and see what the future might look like for the Sixers. First words I hear are that the Sixers traded Jrue Holiday for Nerlens Noel, a big man with knee problems. Then I thought to myself, hmm, that sounds familiar. Oh that’s right, I was subject to watching Spencer Hawes shoot 3 pointers every night last season because Andrew fucking Bynum didn’t play. The Bruins had just lost the Stanley Cup, and now the Sixers trade by far their best player for a rookie who won’t be able to play until December. I honestly jumped out the window, luckily for me I live on the first floor but still. So I let it sink in after a few days, tried to play the “NBA didn’t confirm it so it’s not true” card for a while. Then I finally came to my final conclusion of how I felt about this trade, I wish I could have been standing next to Sam Hinkie myself and just been like, “Sam, just when I think you couldn’t do anything dumber you go ahead and do something like this. And totally redeem yourself!” I like this new GM, he’s got balls clearly and knows that the Sixers are so awful that it’s going to take a few years to bring a championship to Philly. Sure Jrue was an awesome player and I’m sure he’ll do great things if he can ever get past the fact he’s playing for a team named the Pelicans. But let’s face it, Jrue wasn’t a leader at all. Some guys can lead, some can’t. Jrue couldn’t and that was apparent last season. Now we have a guard in Michael Carter-Williams who has the same size as Jrue and could turn into the same type of player, and a legit big man as long as we keep him off the bowling lanes or anywhere near Spencer Hawes. Not to mention if we play bad enough this year we could lock up Andrew Wiggins AND have the Pelicans 1st round pick which will easily be in the top 10. The last time I’ve been this excited about the Sixers future was this time last year when we traded for Andrew Bynum, so I’m not sure what any of this means but all I can say is I can’t wait for another season of Shitty  Sixers basketball.

P.S.- If your looking for somewhere to buy confetti the Wells Fargo will have plenty because there is no way those confetti machines are going off more than 5 times next season

Sixers Celts Home and Home Preview

Looking-great-Drew.-Screencap-via-@SmoothShawonSixers are hosting the Celtics tomorrow night followed by a game at the Garden on Saturday. We are almost a quarter of the way through the season and the Sixers and Celts are both sitting at 10-8. These two games probably don’t mean as much to the Celtics as they do to the Sixers. Who knows when Bynum is going to be back. I have said it all along that if the Sixers can go .500 until Bynum is back they will be able to contend for a championship. However, if he gets pushed back any later than mid January I will have to retract that statement. Most years .500 would get you a spot in the playoffs easily in the East. This year I’m not so sure. I thought the Sixers would have the Atlantic locked and have Boston as their biggest threat but Brooklyn and New York decided to show up this season. The reason I say these two mean more to the Sixers than the Celtics is because this could possibly be the team going forward for the duration of the season. It’s possible there is no Bynum at all which should result in a blanket party for Sixers upper management for leading us all on, so this is really a test to see if they have what it takes. The Sixers beat them in the first match-up this year, and that is the game where I think something clicked with Evan Turner because he has been on a tear ever since. I think he is the X-factor in these two games along with Thad Young. Celtics don’t really have anyone who can match up with Thad because he’s big and athletic.

Unfortunately, it looks like the Sixers might not have Nick Young for these two games because he’s still battling vaginitis turf- toe. While Nick Young really helps the Sixers bench scoring which is the reason they have been struggling the past few games without him, I don’t think his absence will hurt them too much. Celtics can score at times but at other times they can be shut down with good, solid D which is what the Sixers play. Plus when the Sixers played the Celts earlier, the Sixers were without J-Rich who is a more consistent 3-point shooter so I’ll call it a wash. I honestly wish this wasn’t a home and home because I think most likely we are going to see a split. It is just human nature for Team A who won last night against Team B to relax while Team B needs to play harder to make up for the night before. But, since the Sixers have been owning the Celtics the past few years in regular season games I like a nice clean sweep. Jrue has been playing like an all-star point guard, and quite frankly if he doesn’t make it I will never watch an all-star game again. He’s averaging 18 points a game and 9 assists and has just simply taken over close games in crunch time and hitting clutch shots.

Keys in the Sixers 2 wins- Lavoie Allen plays shut down defense on KG, Dorell Wright and Jason Richardson are dripping like a Hanukkah candle from the 3 point line, and Thad Young and Turner rack up double digit points. Game. Set. Match

Game 1- Sixers 100-83

Game 2- Sixers 97-92

Maybe Rondo can try not to get thrown out of another big division game over a regular foul.

Best Christmas Songs

I have already ranked the top 5 Christmas movies, so why not count down the top 5 Christmas songs. I just got back for winter break, and the store I work at part-time plays Christmas music 24/7 and has been since Thanksgiving. I have heard every single Christmas song ever created, and also every remake of every Christmas song so here goes nothing:

#5- The Christmas Shoes- Many of you might disagree because the song makes you sad, cry, angry etc. but the fact of the matter is, this is a great song. It is a very sad song, I will admit that, talking about a kid who is just trying to buy some shoes for his poor mother who is dying. I’m not really sure what was going through NewSongs heads when they decided to make a sad Christmas song like this, but they did and it was actually a big hit when it first came out. Some lady wrote a book about it which became a New York Best Seller, then they made it into a TV movie on CBS. I just stick to the YouTube video which is depressing enough, regardless of how ugly the kid in the video is. I mean, let’s be real they could have found a more convincing kid and if you haven’t seen it, watch it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpkI7GW2V34. With that said, I would love to put this song higher on my list but most of you will probably even disagree with it being on here so it starts the list off at #5.

#4- The Hannukah Song- Adam Sandler just plain nailed this one. This is arguably one of the funniest songs ever written, and is something you have to listen to every Christmas. “Oj Simspon, not a Jew” is probably the best line in any song ever created by anyone. That line actually inspired me to buy a shirt that says drink apple juice, OJ will kill you. Anyway, Adam Sandler is one of my favorite actors, not just because he is from my home town but because he is one of the funniest guys around. From his days on Saturday Night Live to Billy Maddison and Happy Gilmore, he never fails to make you laugh. I guess you could argue that this technically isn’t a Christmas song, but maybe it’s the part of me that wants to be diverse and understanding of other religions that allowed me to put it on the list. Maybe I will rename it the Best Holiday Songs. If I did that I think I would make Obee pretty upset. So The Hannukah Song stays at number 4 on the Best CHRISTMAS Songs list.

#3- I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas- Now, many of you are thinking this song in no way belongs at number 3. But you have to remember, the version I am specifically picking for this spot is the one from Home Alone. Here is the link of the best YouTube video of the song out there and when you hear it you’ll know which one I’m talking about http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7iLc7XhU8E. This song is gold. Every time I hear it I can’t decide which voice I want to sing. Sometimes I’m in the mood to be the deep voice and sometimes I want to be the other guy. A little variety never hurt anyone. Plus any song that is featured in any Home Alone movie is genius. I could listen to this song over and over again and it would be awesome every time. Buzz, your girlfriend WOOF. Duh duh, duh duh duh it’s number 3.

#2- Dominick the Donkey- It kills me not to put this number one but number 2 on the list is pretty solid. Who doesn’t love a song about a cute little donkey named Dominick who just makes donkey noises all day. I personally think whoever invented the whole reindeer flying Santa’s sleigh should be shot for not having little old Dominik do it. I mean come on. We all know reindeer can’t fly, and there’s probably only 100 people who have ever even seen a reindeer in their lives. I bet Dominick could pull Santa’s sleigh around the world in one night without flying. That’s what donkeys do haven’t you seen Borat? So it is here that I start my petition of killing of Rudolph because, lets face it the other reindeer don’t even like him, and letting Dominick take over. The damn reindeer in Elf almost got Santa killed, what would we do without Santa? We would all have to go to church and celebrate the birth of Christ and who really wants to do that, America’s Christmas is way better.

#1- All I want for Christmas is You- I had to do it. This is by far the best Christmas song out there. Mariah Carey in her prime, singing a song about me. How could you not like it? For the record, she never got her wish. I played hard to get but she ended up settling for Nick Cannon. This song comes on the radio and it gets you in the Christmas spirit. See, this song is almost as sad as Christmas shoes, because it has this poor lady who doesn’t want anything for Christmas except me, and while I have to admit I would be a pretty good Christmas gift, I don’t compare to something like, lets say an Ipod, or that ugly sweater your creepy Uncle made you. As Michael Scott once said, “Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say ‘Hey man, I love you this many dollars worth’.” And Mariah Carey doesn’t even want any presents. That’s why she is landing the top spot on my list. Merry Christmas, holy shit. Where’s the Tylenol.

P.S.- Think of how much better that Mariah Carey picture would be with Dominick in it.

Top 5 Christmas Movies

We are 5 days away from Christmas so it would be a good time to countdown the top 5 Christmas movies.

#5- The Muppets Christmas Carol: This movie is one of those must watch on Christmas Eve movies. Michael Caine plays a great Scrooge and who doesn’t love the muppets? I am pretty sure Michael Caine has done every role possible in the history of the world. From Scrooge to Austin Powers to the Prestige to Alfred from Batman? It is definitely one of the best versions of a Christmas Carol out there, although the Christmas Carol 3D with Jim Carey last year is also pretty good. And any movie with Gonzo as the narrator is a must watch. The best part of this entire movie is when Jacob and Marley or Statler and Waldorf come to Scrooges house. And im pretty sure Harry Potter got the Hagred idea from this movie because the ghost of Christmas present looks scarily similar if that’s possible.

#4- A Christmas Story: I went back and forth on this one but I think the 4 spot is the best spot to put this. It could easily be number 1 on someones list if you have absolutely no sense of humor, but I am going to think most of the people reading this like to laugh once in a while. Many people have declared their hate for this movie, but I guarantee every single person in the history of the world has watched this at least once and has liked it at one point in their life. Just because TBS butchers this movie by showing it for 24 hours straight on Christmas Eve doesn’t take away from the greatness of this movie. You’ll shoot your eye out, Oh Fudge, Fra-gee-lay, the leg lamp, you just can’t go wrong. Watch it once on Christmas Eve/Day and enjoy it and be quiet.

#3- Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: This one killed me. If you talked to me a few years ago, I would have this movie at number 1. This movie has everything. It’s one of those movies that you can watch any time of the year as well which makes it that much better. Kevin McCallister is the little kid that knows more than any of us will ever know in our lives. The brick scene has to be one of the best scenes in the history of any movie. And a Christmas movie isn’t complete without a disgusting lady covered in pigeons and pigeon poop. I think they wanted to incorporate our version of that crazy cat lady, but couldn’t come up with an idea of how she could get the cats to attack Harry and Marv at the end because we all know cats will do the opposite of what you tell them. So suck brick kid and watch this as many times as you can this week, it will probably be on ABC Family about 10 times if you can’t find it.

#2- Elf: This movie has moved up my list faster than you can say Sandusky. Will Ferrell is the only actor who could pull of this role and I could post all the good one-liners in here but I would run out of room; that’s how funny it is. It is humor for the whole family.  The only reason this is not number one is because it hasn’t put in the time yet. To be number one you must have a solid ten years in existence. Elf is just existential yet so accessible, and who doesn’t love eating chewed gum off of New York sidewalks? This movie will be the best Christmas movie in a few years, hands down. The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear so watch this and try not to say Francisco too much, it’s fun to say.

#1- Christmas Vacation: This was a no brainer. Christmas Vacation is a movie everyone can relate to at some point of the movie. It is also a movie that if you’re flipping through the channels and see it on, you have to watch the rest no matter what point in the movie it is. This is arguably the best National Lampoon Vacation movie, although Vegas Vacation is right there with it. Cousin Eddy makes this whole movie with his Dickie and moose mug, emptying his shitter, and assuring Clark that Jelly of the Month Club is the gift that keeps on giving the whole year round. If I was trapped on an island somewhere and I was only allowed to watch one movie the entire time, it would be Christmas Vacation because you can’t go a year without watching it. On a side not this movie may have the best lines of all time in any movie. ” And why is the carpet all wet Todd?” “I don’t know Margo”. I’m not sure why this line is so funny but it is.