Top 10 Most Important Things I learned in College

So it has been about 6 months since I unfortunately graduated from college, and my good old grace period for loans is up. It was a good run. Now that I’m safely in Canada under the alias of Harry Balzonya I figured it was a good time to reflect on the best 4 years a human will ever have. Unless your on like a 5 or 6 year plan which I should have done. Either way, here is my top 10 most important things that I learned through my 4 years at college:

10. There is always tomorrow for homework– I used to be a huge procrastinator in high school, and I was a bigger procrastinator in college. The only difference being I actually ended up doing the work in college. Regardless, when I would just be sitting there in bed after skipping class with a huge paper due the next day, the one thing I figured out was that there is always tomorrow. It didn’t matter if the class was at 10. Wake up at 7, make your life a living hell that day, but Netflix for the entire day before is much more important.

9. Opening windows from the outside instead of using a door is bad– I may or may not have tried going into a building through a gigantic glass window and had the top half crash and shatter everywhere. I learned that doors are much more sturdy and a safer option to go through if your main goal is to get into a house. And for the record I definitely did not break that window.

8. Funneling is > Shotgunning– Funneling is just too simple of a process not to be better than shotgunning. You pour the beer in and wait for the foam to go down and drink. Shotgunning is too much work for me these days. Not to mention I feel like I’m about to slice my finger off and bleed out in the bathroom with 10 people watching.


7. Registering for Classes is the worst thing ever invented by anyone– Waking up at 6:55, turning on that laptop, getting to your page with your classes in it, hitting submit and BAM. Your adviser forgot to sign off that you went over your classes with him and all your classes fill up right before your eyes. Thankfully nothing too drastic ever happened to me on registration day but god damn. There’s gotta be a better way. I had nightmares of that damn big red stop sign popping up the morning I’m trying to get my classes. All I could think of was having to wake up before 2 pm every day and having classes on Thursday and Friday. Freakin miserable. I get the chills just thinking about it.

6. “I’m doing homework” is a college guys code for “I’m playing COD”– Now, let me make this clear. If you have your laptop out with a word document open with your name, date, and class written in the top corner, that qualifies as doing homework. Sometimes I wish there would have been a timer on Microsoft Word that would tell me how long I let my document sit there with just my name written on it. This one kind of goes back to the other lesson that there’s always tomorrow but playing Call of Duty all night is much more exciting than writing a paper on a book that I didn’t read. You would think that teachers would realize that nobody read the books in their 4 years of high school, why would it change now.

“You better call PETA today. I’m shooting a dog in the face.”

5. Hangovers are absolutely terrible– I think half of my days as an undergrad were spent with a hangover. And I can not function with a hangover so that tells you how much I got done in 4 years. I swear to this day that I had a 2 week hangover after one of my birthdays. Needless to say it was the worst 2 weeks of my life. I guess we should all be thankful that hangovers exist because, if they didn’t then we would all never stop drinking. But a life with no hangovers would be 150% better.

4. If your teacher wrote ” Students are allowed 3 absences before their grade is affected” on the syllabus it means they want you to miss 3 classes– I hated hearing people say you’re paying for the class and then like breaking down each class and how much it is costing you. If my teacher sits there and talks about a power point for 45 minutes and then posts that power point online the next day you better believe I’m taking my 3 days. Besides, the options are sit in class on my laptop on Facebook for 45 minutes or sit in my bed on my laptop on Facebook for 45 minutes so I think the answer is clear.

3. Never leave your door unlocked, ever– I don’t even know why I put this because half the time it didn’t even matter if the door was locked or not. I think I should have wrote never live with me or my roommates. Mostly every prank that happened was on an April Fools day but for a while it was just whenever the opportunity presented itself.



2. If you don’t remember it……it still happened–  At first I thought this wasn’t true. I was really banking on the fact that if I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen. Especially the time when I allegedly drank a handle that was left outside in the hallway labeled “free” that probably was full of toilet water. Or when everyone woke me up in the middle of the night and told me we were leaving and I packed my bag and sat in the car. The sooner you can cope with the fact that, as Mike Tyson and Stu once said ” People do dumb shit when they’re fucked up” the better.

1. Graduating sucks– The ceremony sucks. Leaving school sucks. Getting your diploma sucks. Listening to the commencement speaker ramble on about nothing sucks. Wearing a cap and gown sucks. Taking 5,000 pictures sucks. Paying loans suck. And most importantly the real world sucks.


Yeah, unless you wanna work 40 hours a week.

There ya have it. As you can see I learned a lot in 4 years. Definitely worth 75K. Don’t worry though people, only 15 more days until the end of the world. Honestly, I just hope Wells Fargo falls of the face of the earth. Either way.


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