Im Baaaaack

World Series - St Louis Cardinals v Boston Red Sox - Game Six












It’s been a long long time since I’ve been on here, but do not worry at all, because I am back. And since I got 17 hours of sleep last night, I feel like now is a good time to recap everything that has happened since I have been gone. So let’s give it a try.

1. Red Sox dominated life- This team proved everyone wrong, including myself and I loved every second of it. I didn’t think they even had a shot at making the playoffs but once again we are all witness to what a bunch of mediocre guys can do if they enjoy playing together. Even when they had the best record in baseball, I still thought they were going to lose to the Rays in the 1st round. But once they beat them I think everyone knew it was over. The only bad part of the whole thing was that Obee made the dumbest bet in the history of betting and put 100 bucks on the Sox to win the World Series pre-season at 35-1 and got rewarded. Craziest thing I’ve ever seen.

2. NFL sucks- This has been the worst season I’ve seen in a long time. With all the new rules and players safety precautions, it’s making the game unbearable to watch. Sure player safety is a serious thing, but I also hate how the players are whining about player safety and that they can’t hit anyone on defense. Like, hello. Football is a contact sport. There is a great risk for injury, and there has been since the first time anyone ever played. And you’re telling us now that it’s not right and they need to do something. But then complain when the NFL changes rules because it makes your job impossible. Everyone is soft these days. If you don’t want to run the risk of getting a concussion and then having serious illness when you’re older, then find a different sport to play. We’ll bring in Shane Falco to suit up every Sunday and of course the Honey Badger would play because you know he don’t care. Get rid of all the stupid rules and find players who are willing to take the risk.

3. The Atlantic Division in the NBA is screwing the 76ers- Every year I watch the Sixers with just a little bit of hope that they could be competitive. And every year I am disappointed. This year, the Sixers get 2 lottery picks in the draft in Michael Carter-Williams and Nerlens Noel, plus the Pelicans likely lottery pick next year and of course, our shoe in 1st overall pick from sucking this year. Well folks, the Sixers don’t even know how to tank right. Like, the city of Philadelphia and all your fans WANT YOU TO LOSE. I don’t want you to win 30 games and make the playoffs because the East absolutely blows. 30 wins might win the Atlantic. Like, screw off Knicks and Nets and Celtics. We knew Parker and Wiggins were legit first. We decided to tank first. You can’t come in like this and just blatantly suck and make the race for last competitive. That’s not how it works. Also, LeBron to the Sixers next year, you heard it hear first. Where better for LeBron to go than Philly. He’d be surrounded by 2 lottery picks from this year, then 2 from next year in a LOADED draft. Sixers can afford him. Lock it up. See you in Philly next year LeBron.

4. Bruins are kind of good- 1st place in the division going into Thanksgiving. I can deal with that. But let’s make something clear. They are not playing great hockey. I heard a stat the other night that something like 15 of their 30 something goals given up this year have been in the last 2 minutes of a period. We need to stop that right now. All I can picture is us losing every game in the playoffs in the last second and me wanting to kill myself. Tighten it up Claude. Other than that, Tuukka is playing great which makes their decision to sign him long term look good. The Bergeron, Erikksson, Marchand line is starting to come around so that’s good too. Oh, and our 3rd line is dominating people. The One-Eyed-Swede is looking great out there and Riley Smith is playing like a veteran. Let’s just put it all together down the stretch and you can get the Duck Boats ready!

5. Obamacare sucks- So in the month that Obamacare launched, I think my fantasy football team won more games than people signed up for this thing. We got Democrats acting like there’s nothing wrong with spending a billion dollars on something that doesn’t work and you have Republicans shutting down the government. Obama, just admit you were wrong and come up with something that works for everyone. How hard is that? Your idea sucked. It happens. It just happens that you are the President of the United States so your fuck up kind of screws a lot of people. No biggie. You can either stop this now and maybe do something right in your 8 years of office, or leave it and have your grandchildren embarrassed in their US History classes when they get to the chapter of “How Obama Ruined America”. Pretty awkward.

6. New York City sucks- A few weekends ago I took a trip to NYC to get a taste of big city livin. Instead I got to get in almost 8 accidents, stare at huge piles of garbage and deny thousands of bums money because honestly most of those bums are probably better off than me. NYC is disgusting. Not to mention the $115 parking ticket I got for parking in front of a fire hydrant. I park there at 5pm and the curb was covered in trash. I mean this was a trash pile so big that it was twice the size of me high and wider than my car. Like, at 3am there was  a herd of bums lounging in it, and yes the word herd is absolutely necessary. So obviously I couldn’t see the fire hydrant and when the garbage men come, well wouldn’t you know there’s a fire hydrant right next to my car. And the city of NYC tells me that I need to provide evidence. Yeah, cause I’m sure you take a picture of your car every time you park it. Unbelievable.

So there’s what we all missed while I was gone. You guys are more than welcome to resume life now.


This May Be the Best 3 Minutes on the Internet

Homeward Bound was one of my favorite movies ever. Chance was easily the best. Shadow was that old fart that you put up with but really don’t want to hang out with, and Sassy was just a bitch. But all cats are so that’s self explanatory. But how about this little pug just going crazy when they find their way back. I think the only negative to this whole video is how that poor dog is forced to watch Homeward Bound on that shitty TV from like the 90’s. What is that, a Zenith bro? Hello, we’re in the year 2013. I have a flat screen TV in my bathroom and you are forcing this lovable, cute little pug to watch TV in standard definition?! That dog would have been doing back-flips if he was watching it on a nice 60″ HDTV. He probably would have jumped into Shadows paws and joined them all in the celebration. Well, anyways, I hope that clip brightened up your Sunday hangover.

P.S.- If you’re ever bored one day, watch Homeward Bound in Spanish. If you think talking dogs is crazy, imagine dogs talking in freaking Spanish. Mind blown.

Does Everyone Know That Next Week is Shark Week???!!!

sharkStarting next Sunday, August 4th, the best week of the year will be upon us. I’m sure you’re thinking, hmm, it’s not Christmas, it’s not Spring Break, it’s not Passover, so what could it be? Well, it’s SHARK WEEK! Nothing puts me in a better mood than flipping on the TV and watching a poor little seal get ripped to shreds by a huge great white shark in slow motion. Yeah, go ahead, say “oh no I love seals. They’re so cute. How could you like watching them get eaten?” I’ll tell you why. It’s because they’re stupid. I go in the ocean a lot and I’ve never gotten eaten by a shark. Here’s a hint seals. Go somewhere else. I’m not gonna go hanging out at the cannibals house down the street, so why would a bunch of seals hang around with great whites? Makes no sense. It’s survival of the fittest and clearly seals are at the bottom of the chain.

My second favorite thing about Shark Week is seeing all the stories about people who got their arms and legs bitten off by sharks, yet they still go in the ocean. Call me crazy but if god forbid i ever get attacked by a shark and survive, I’m getting on the next plane to freaking North Dakota and setting up shop in the middle of a corn field. At least then the only things that will be able to get me would be zombies but I’ll take my chances. But seriously, these surfers that get attacked by sharks and still go in the water have to be the craziest people in the world right? Kind of like the seals except slightly smarter. Sure surfing may be your favorite thing to do, but I’m pretty sure my favorite thing to do first and foremost is living. You know, breathing, having my heart beating. Not being some freakish predators breakfast.

I think Shark Week gives sharks a bad wrap too. I bet they are really nice deep down. I kind of compare them to like king pin drug dealers. If you are gonna go into Scarface’s house without asking, you bet your ass he’s gonna pump your guts full of lead. It’s nothing personal, but strictly territorial. We all go into the sharks house, and sometimes they just don’t want visitors. Maybe they just got in a fight with their little baby sharks, maybe they had a bad night’s sleep, maybe it’s just that time of the month. Who are we to judge them? Freakin Bruce hadn’t eaten fish for 2 weeks! Just because he tried to eat Nemo and Dory doesn’t mean he’s a horrible mean shark. So just keep all that in mind when you’re watching Shark Week next week. Sharks aren’t as bad as you think. Unless they attack me then they can all get killed by poachers and fed to the seals on Seal Island.


Marathon Monday Forever Changed

boston-strong-logoAbout five years ago on my first day in college, an upperclassman who was fixing the TV introduced me to what Marathon Monday was. Now, I had always known about the Boston Marathon, but never paid much attention. Marathon Monday has different meanings to different people. To college kids in the Boston area, it means a day of drinking from morning until night, which is what Marathon Monday meant to me for the past five years. Sadly, I never really understood how much the Marathon meant to a lot of people, as well as the city of Boston. So many people show up to support the runners and cheer on complete strangers who had trained hard to make the 26.2 mile journey to the finish line. I was able to make my way down to Washington Street at mile marker 17 to watch some of the race and cheer on some of the runners, but most years I hadn’t cared enough to take the time to go and support even just a few of  the participants who make the Marathon what it is.

Being about 10 miles from the finish line, none of us knew right away what had happened. People started finding out one at a time and making their way to a TV where they ended up for the remainder of the day. There were many different emotions from everyone. Some were shocked, some were worried, some were scared. Phone calls weren’t going through and people were trying to get a hold of friends or family that were near the finish line to make sure they were okay. The videos and pictures from the news are ones that will stick with all of us, I think, forever. Seeing all of the innocent spectators and runners targeted by such a gutless act just did not sit well with me at all. It opened my eyes to  how unpredictable the world is.

I immediately began thinking of what I could do to show my support for the people who were hurt or had died, or even those who were there and had to see first-hand things that no person should ever have to see. Now, I am not not a runner at all. I was an athlete most of my life and running was the worst part of practices for me. I couldn’t understand why people just ran for no reason. I still don’t quite understand, but some people who loved to run that were at the marathon won’t have the chance to anymore. People who lost their legs or suffered injuries that will change their lives forever won’t have the opportunity to run the marathon or run at all. That is the reason why I want to try my hardest to be able to participate in the Boston Marathon next year. I want to run the 26.2 miles for all of the people who can’t now.

President Obama said it best in his speech, “We may be momentarily knocked off our feet, but we’ll pick ourselves up, we’ll keep going. We will finish the race.” Marathon Monday used to be an exciting day for me to look forward to, but for all the wrong reasons. Going forward, the day will have a whole new meaning, and I think this is true for a lot of people. I only had the pleasure of living in Boston for four years, but I will always consider it home, and one year from now I have no doubt that the 118th Boston Marathon will be twice as big as this year and the people of Boston won’t let this tragic event affect how they move forward.