It’s been a long long time since I’ve been on here, but do not worry at all, because I am back. And since I got 17 hours of sleep last night, I feel like now is a good time to recap everything that has happened since I have been gone. So let’s give it a try.
1. Red Sox dominated life- This team proved everyone wrong, including myself and I loved every second of it. I didn’t think they even had a shot at making the playoffs but once again we are all witness to what a bunch of mediocre guys can do if they enjoy playing together. Even when they had the best record in baseball, I still thought they were going to lose to the Rays in the 1st round. But once they beat them I think everyone knew it was over. The only bad part of the whole thing was that Obee made the dumbest bet in the history of betting and put 100 bucks on the Sox to win the World Series pre-season at 35-1 and got rewarded. Craziest thing I’ve ever seen.
2. NFL sucks- This has been the worst season I’ve seen in a long time. With all the new rules and players safety precautions, it’s making the game unbearable to watch. Sure player safety is a serious thing, but I also hate how the players are whining about player safety and that they can’t hit anyone on defense. Like, hello. Football is a contact sport. There is a great risk for injury, and there has been since the first time anyone ever played. And you’re telling us now that it’s not right and they need to do something. But then complain when the NFL changes rules because it makes your job impossible. Everyone is soft these days. If you don’t want to run the risk of getting a concussion and then having serious illness when you’re older, then find a different sport to play. We’ll bring in Shane Falco to suit up every Sunday and of course the Honey Badger would play because you know he don’t care. Get rid of all the stupid rules and find players who are willing to take the risk.
3. The Atlantic Division in the NBA is screwing the 76ers- Every year I watch the Sixers with just a little bit of hope that they could be competitive. And every year I am disappointed. This year, the Sixers get 2 lottery picks in the draft in Michael Carter-Williams and Nerlens Noel, plus the Pelicans likely lottery pick next year and of course, our shoe in 1st overall pick from sucking this year. Well folks, the Sixers don’t even know how to tank right. Like, the city of Philadelphia and all your fans WANT YOU TO LOSE. I don’t want you to win 30 games and make the playoffs because the East absolutely blows. 30 wins might win the Atlantic. Like, screw off Knicks and Nets and Celtics. We knew Parker and Wiggins were legit first. We decided to tank first. You can’t come in like this and just blatantly suck and make the race for last competitive. That’s not how it works. Also, LeBron to the Sixers next year, you heard it hear first. Where better for LeBron to go than Philly. He’d be surrounded by 2 lottery picks from this year, then 2 from next year in a LOADED draft. Sixers can afford him. Lock it up. See you in Philly next year LeBron.
4. Bruins are kind of good- 1st place in the division going into Thanksgiving. I can deal with that. But let’s make something clear. They are not playing great hockey. I heard a stat the other night that something like 15 of their 30 something goals given up this year have been in the last 2 minutes of a period. We need to stop that right now. All I can picture is us losing every game in the playoffs in the last second and me wanting to kill myself. Tighten it up Claude. Other than that, Tuukka is playing great which makes their decision to sign him long term look good. The Bergeron, Erikksson, Marchand line is starting to come around so that’s good too. Oh, and our 3rd line is dominating people. The One-Eyed-Swede is looking great out there and Riley Smith is playing like a veteran. Let’s just put it all together down the stretch and you can get the Duck Boats ready!
5. Obamacare sucks- So in the month that Obamacare launched, I think my fantasy football team won more games than people signed up for this thing. We got Democrats acting like there’s nothing wrong with spending a billion dollars on something that doesn’t work and you have Republicans shutting down the government. Obama, just admit you were wrong and come up with something that works for everyone. How hard is that? Your idea sucked. It happens. It just happens that you are the President of the United States so your fuck up kind of screws a lot of people. No biggie. You can either stop this now and maybe do something right in your 8 years of office, or leave it and have your grandchildren embarrassed in their US History classes when they get to the chapter of “How Obama Ruined America”. Pretty awkward.
6. New York City sucks- A few weekends ago I took a trip to NYC to get a taste of big city livin. Instead I got to get in almost 8 accidents, stare at huge piles of garbage and deny thousands of bums money because honestly most of those bums are probably better off than me. NYC is disgusting. Not to mention the $115 parking ticket I got for parking in front of a fire hydrant. I park there at 5pm and the curb was covered in trash. I mean this was a trash pile so big that it was twice the size of me high and wider than my car. Like, at 3am there was a herd of bums lounging in it, and yes the word herd is absolutely necessary. So obviously I couldn’t see the fire hydrant and when the garbage men come, well wouldn’t you know there’s a fire hydrant right next to my car. And the city of NYC tells me that I need to provide evidence. Yeah, cause I’m sure you take a picture of your car every time you park it. Unbelievable.
So there’s what we all missed while I was gone. You guys are more than welcome to resume life now.
Starting next Sunday, August 4th, the best week of the year will be upon us. I’m sure you’re thinking, hmm, it’s not Christmas, it’s not Spring Break, it’s not Passover, so what could it be? Well, it’s SHARK WEEK! Nothing puts me in a better mood than flipping on the TV and watching a poor little seal get ripped to shreds by a huge great white shark in slow motion. Yeah, go ahead, say “oh no I love seals. They’re so cute. How could you like watching them get eaten?” I’ll tell you why. It’s because they’re stupid. I go in the ocean a lot and I’ve never gotten eaten by a shark. Here’s a hint seals. Go somewhere else. I’m not gonna go hanging out at the cannibals house down the street, so why would a bunch of seals hang around with great whites? Makes no sense. It’s survival of the fittest and clearly seals are at the bottom of the chain.
About five years ago on my first day in college, an upperclassman who was fixing the TV introduced me to what Marathon Monday was. Now, I had always known about the Boston Marathon, but never paid much attention. Marathon Monday has different meanings to different people. To college kids in the Boston area, it means a day of drinking from morning until night, which is what Marathon Monday meant to me for the past five years. Sadly, I never really understood how much the Marathon meant to a lot of people, as well as the city of Boston. So many people show up to support the runners and cheer on complete strangers who had trained hard to make the 26.2 mile journey to the finish line. I was able to make my way down to Washington Street at mile marker 17 to watch some of the race and cheer on some of the runners, but most years I hadn’t cared enough to take the time to go and support even just a few of the participants who make the Marathon what it is.
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