My Open Letter to Taylor Swift

After seeing all these articles about her new romance with Connor Kennedy and having listened to every one of her songs I feel that it’s my responsibility to write a letter to Ms. Swift with some advice. Simply put, she needs a reality check. At this rate, she’ll be singing breakup songs til shes 90 and will have gone through every loser in Hollywood.

Dear Ms. Taylor Swift,

As a fan and human being, I would like to give you some advice on your love life. I have someone in mind that would be perfect for you and could turn your career from singing sad songs to, well actually, probably having nothing to sing about anymore. But I will save that for later and walk you through all of your mistakes first to bring you down to earth. We will start with Joe Jonas. I mean, you dated a Jonas brother, it doesn’t get much lower than that. A kid wearing a purity ring and making a living off of Nickelodeon. Where in your realm of logic did it seem like a good idea to put your chips in the Joe Jonas pot? He gave you a few good songs but the fact you gave the dude a shot was just a terrible decision on your part. Next we will talk about Taylor Lautner. Had it ever crossed your mind that he could actually potentially be a wolf? Plus, I’m not a rocket scientist or anything, but usually when you marry someone, one of the parties takes the last name of the other. If you think hearing “congratulations to Taylor and Taylor Swift” is a good look then maybe there is something seriously wrong with the balance in your brain. Julia Goolia? Come on now Taylor. Moving on, we will look at Jake Gyllenhaal. All I should say is Brokeback Mountain and that should be reason enough but I will elaborate. You are 22 and he is 32. Now, I am not a mathematician but he is ten years older than you and was in Brokeback Mountain. Newtons Law says that Brokeback Mountain + 10 year age difference= gross disgustingness. Speaking of old creeps, um, John Mayer? Let me break this down for ya. The man wrote a song, about his goal to violate every mother and father’s little girl. Sounds like a trustworthy guy, right? Not to mention he’s probably slept with half of Hollywood. I know you like the beach and everything with your new Cape Cod ventures but crabs ain’t a good look either. Lastly, we are going to talk about your latest and possibly worst mistake. I mean, props on flipping the script on the old dudes but you went a little too far. Connor Kennedy, the 18 year old dude with a mop on his head. Sure, on the surface it may seem like a good thing. Date a guy who has tons of money, fame, and sits on his ass all day living off his families accomplishments. But buying a million dollar mansion across from the Kennedy Estate is psycho shit. Connor is probably sitting around at night with his 18 year old buddies getting stoned saying, ” Well I’m a millionaire for doing nothing, and now I have one of the richest women in the world on my nuts. Nice.” And lets not forget the biggest glaring fact in this whole ordeal. I won’t go as far as saying the Kennedy’s are cursed, but the Kennedy’s are cursed. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day the whole Haynnis Port breaks off the Cape and floats away. Something horrible always happens to the Kennedy’s and it seems like every year it’s happening. Mo money mo problems I guess.

Now that I’ve filled you in on all your blatantly horrible love ventures, I am going to tell you who I think would suit you best. Actually, I am kind of afraid that if you two got married the world would just end. His name is Mr. Tim Tebow. Think of the stardom you two would have. You guys would be more powerful than presidents, prime ministers, mobsters. You would run the world, plain and simple. Two Tweets and you guys could decide 3 quarters of the vote in the presidential election. Stop with all the trash in Hollywood and send a Direct Message to Tim tonight. I actually think there might even be a small chance that if you guys do have a child, that your child would be the Messiah, no joke. You could be the next Mary, and your sitting here wasting your time with a teenager. I hope this letter has brought attention to you all of the blatant mistakes you have made that could have been avoided. Granted, you might not be famous if it wasn’t for these guys cause you would have nothing to write your songs about, but the charade is up. Tim is waiting. Go Jets.

Sincerely,

Cupid

NFL Week 1…Finally

Sunday is almost upon us, and words can’t express how excited I am. This season I am prepared to put my very highly regarded reputation on the line and come out with picks of all the games every week, with spreads of course. I don’t think I need to remind any of you how spot on I was during the playoffs last season, including only being off by 2 points of the final score in the Super Bowl. And I won’t be picking the Thursday night games, or Wednesday night in this weeks case because I think Thursday night football games every week is stupid. So here we go, bet the house, the grocery money, your signed Bobby V jersey, and anything else you own on these picks:

Colts @ Bears- Not much analysis needed on this one. Bear’s improved their receiving core by 150% with Brandon Marshall back, they have a strong run game and a solid defense. Luck’s debut should still be okay, but I don’t see them staying in the game after halftime. Tbows Pick: Bears -10

Eagles @ Browns- I’ve already let you all know that the Eagle’s will be in the Super Bowl this year. However, their opener makes me nervous, mostly because the real refs had a hard time protecting Vick from questionable hits, so who knows what the replacement refs will allow. Barring any significant injuries though, the Eagle’s offense has number 1 potential and the addition of DeMeco Ryans on defense was huge for them since they haven’t had any kind of consistent linebacker play in years. I like the Birds from the coin flip. Tbow’s Pick: Eagles -9.5

Bills @ Jets- This game is easily one of the biggest toss ups this week. Jets are slight favorites but it’s very hard to bet on a team who’s 1st and 2nd team offenses couldn’t score a touchdown in the preseason. But let’s be honest, they have the best QB in the league and while he probably won’t be making an impact at that position this week, Tebow will be making an impact in the game that gets the Jets a win.  Tbow’s Pick: Jets -3

Redskins @ Saints- While the last game was the biggest toss up, I think this one is the biggest lock. Saints will have a ton of emotion in the season opener after all of the offseason stuff that happened with the bounty situation. Playing for Sean Payton I like the Saints to roll on RG3 who doesn’t stand a chance in this one.  Tbow’s Pick: Saints -7.5

Pats @ Titans- I am very, very curious to see how the Pats offense opens up the season. They never were able to get in any sort of sync/ rythym at all in the preseason which may just be in Bill’s master plan but I think Brady will have a hard time this season with his O-line. He was on the ground a lot during the preseason which could be a horrible preview to what could happen this year. Luckily, they have an easy match up week 1 to get on the same page and I like the Pats but in a closer game than most are expecting which is a blowout.  Tbow’s Pick: Pats -6.5

Jags @ Vikings- Still some big IF’s going into this game. Not sure the status of MJD or Peterson. Both are expected to suit up but how much time they see is still unknown. Both have young QB’s and backup RB’s will most likely get the majority of the carries so I think this one is a coin flip so I like the Jags to cover the spread, and probably win. Tbow’s Pick: Jags +3.5

Dolphins @ Texans- This game is interesting to me. The spread is pretty high at 12.5, but a lot of people are expecting the Dolphins to be potentially the worst team in the NFL. I don’t see the Texans putting up a ton of points per game and I think Tannehill can throw for at least one touchdown so while I think the Texans will control the game the whole way, I like the Dolphins to cover. Tbow’s Pick: Dolphins +12.5

Rams @ Lions- Stafford, Calvin, Suh vs. Bradford, Ammendola, Lauranitas. No contest, at least not in week 1. Tbow’s Pick- Lions -7.5

Falcons @ Chiefs- A lot of people are picking the upset here and like the Chiefs to beat Matty Ryan and co. I just don’t see it. The Falcons can put up serious points, and while the KC defense is pretty solid, I don’t think they can hang with Julio on one side and Roddy on the other. If Matty Ice is on his game I think it’s a Falcons blowout. Regardless, I like the Falcons here, and maybe Charles won’t blow out his knee again. Tbow’s Pick: Falcons -3

49ers @ Packers- Plain and simple, the 49ers are built for a run at the ship again this season, and ARodg and the offense had a concerning preseason. Rodgers was only completing around 50% of his passes and he was scrambling A LOT. Many people expect the 49ers to hoist the Lombardi trophy at the end of the season, and I think week one is going to be a step in that direction. Tbow’s Pick: 49ers +5

Panthers @ Bucs- Steve Smith is a little banged up and I really like the upgrade this offseason for the Bucs bringing in Vincent Jackson, I’m just worried Josh Freeman can’t get him the ball. I think the Panthers have a solid offense and should grab a week 1 win. Tbow’s Pick: Panthers -3

Seahawks @ Cardinals- It’s looking pretty likely we won’t see Marshawn in week 1 due to his vaginitis, and that only means good things for the Cardinals. The Cards played well at the end of last season, and while they don’t have much talent in the regards of stars, but they have Fitz and that might be enough. Russell Wilson might get eaten up in the sea of red on Sunday and for that reason I’m liking the Cards to be undefeated for a week. Tbow’s Pick: Cardinals +3

Steelers @ Broncos- I hope John Elway loses every game the rest of his life and he regrets every day his decision to Judas Tim Tebow. Tbow’s Pick: Steelers +2

Bengals @ Ravens- It’s never easy to win in Baltimore, plain and simple. AJ Green is a beast, but unfortunately he’s the only best they have at wideout. I think Ed Reed and the corners can contain AJ pretty well which will give them the edge they need to beat the Bengals. However, I think this will be a very close game. I think the spread is a little too much for the Raven’s to handle. Tbow’s Pick: Bengals +7

Chargers @ Raiders- Vegas doesn’t know what’s gonna happen here as the spread is 1. I put a lot of faith in Phil Rivers to come back strong this year seeing as I drafted him in a few fantasy leagues and I think he will. He played last year with a hurt Gates, and hold out Vincent Jackson. They added Meachem which is essentially the same type of guy as Jackson and Gates is 100% healthy going into the starter. I think they can out score the Raiders on Monday night and beat the Raiders by a touchdown. Tbow’s Pick: Chargers +1

There you have it. Load up and thank me later. And if all of these lose and you did bet on them, you didn’t hear it from me. Also all of these lines were provided by Bovada.com formerly Bodog in case you were wondering since lines vary from site to site. Happy Football season.

The Red Sox are Pathetic

This post has been long coming. The fact that all of this, and I tried to find a better word for it but just couldn’t, but all of this bullshit coming to a peak right now shouldn’t surprise any of us. We were all excited when the Sox signed Adrian and Crawford a few years back, thinking getting to the World Series would be a breeze. Well, they won like 2 games in their first 10. That was sign number 1. Sign number 2 I completely blocked out of my memory because I think I was in denial, but let’s not forget about that monumental collapse in September. Despicable. Disgusting. Vomit. Sign number 3 was both Crawford sucking and him sucking enough for him to write a letter to the fans saying he’d play better next year. Well, next year happened and Crawford wasn’t a part of it. Normally booze and fried chicken sound like a good time, but I guess it doesn’t mix well when you are a professional baseball player. The list of things go on and on and on and on. In fact, I am going to give you guys a list of all the things I’d rather watch right now than the Red Sox:

1. Women’s anything (includes WNBA preseason, non-competitive archery matches, etc.)

2. Sportscenter after LeBron won the championship on repeat for 2 weeks straight.

3. Pain Olympics

4. Roseanne singing the national anthem

5. Farrah from Teen Mom crying for hours

6. Bob Costas interview Chris Collinsworth

7. Two guys, one cup….yeah you read that correctly.

8. Aaron Boone hit his home run off Wakefield/ David Tyree’s catch on repeat for a month.

9. Adelle’s music videos back to back to back to back on mute.

10. A four hour special on Julie Chen.

Terrible, I know.

So Adrian is claimed off waivers, Lester and Jacoby are on waivers. I hope they all get claimed and the Sox let em all walk. Clean house. The one problem the Sox have had since their last World Series is their obsession with thinking that everything can be fixed and they always have a chance at winning. The notion of win now and keep bringing in high profile players that would bring fans to the stadium has come and gone and look what it’s done. Did we really need Crawford two years ago? Hell no. Did it look good on paper? Yeah of course. It all just didn’t work. Adrian is a good player, but he’s played in San Diego his whole life. In big games and clutch moments, hate to tell you but most of the time you can chalk Adrian up for a K. Some guys just don’t know how to win. Look at the team the Sox won with in ’04. They had a team of guys who bought into the team. Manny was a star, Pedro was a star and so was Ortiz. But everyone knew their role. This team has no idea what the hell is going on. Even if these guys don’t move within the waiver period, I still love the fact that the ownership actually made a statement. It’s just a big F.U. to all the players who ruined the season for fans the last two years. Hell, maybe Jacoby and Pedroia could just retire, they must have made enough money off Dunkin’s commercials to keep em going without baseball.

If Boston wasn’t such a huge sports town, this thing would have been blown up last year. Fenway would have been half empty, and ownership would have been forced to focus on baseball instead of how to make more money. But since half of the fans can’t afford to ever go a Sox game because they are always sold out and ridiculously priced, the last few years has been awesome because you can get tickets for pretty cheap and watch the shit show also known as the Red Sox. All the players should be forced to give their money back to the owners, and the owners should refund every ticket this year. That is how bad it is. Hell, sign Lance Armstrong he fits right into the baseball world. Takes PED”s and lies about it. That’s it. I’m not writing another thing about the Red Sox until Beckett, Crawford, Lester and Adrian are gone. Larry, you have my demands.

Top 5 Office Episodes Ever

I’ve been watching some Office episodes the past few days and it had me wondering what episodes were the best of the best. The Office is by far one of the best shows on T.V., of course not including the post-Michael Scott era which clearly isn’t the same. A little part of me died inside on Michael Scott’s last episode, but I have to be honest, the episodes since he left have surpassed my expectations. With all that said, here is my top 5:

5.  Scott’s Tots- Hey Mr. Scott, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do make our dreams come true. This episode sums up Michael in a nutshell. Basically he offers a class of third graders that if they graduate high school he would pay for their college. They come up with a song and dance for him and he has to tell them that he has no money but offers them laptop batteries instead. The only promise funnier/more empty than Michael Scott’s is every promise out of Obama’s mouth. Also, Dwight’s impersonations of Kevin, Toby and Stanley at the end of the episode are spot on and hilarious.


P.S. that clip says it all

4. Dwight’s Speech- This is possibly my favorite episode, just because after watching his speech for the first time I think I laughed for 20 minutes straight. Just the whole sequence when Dwight gets to the conference and him having a panic attack in his seat when they call him on stage is great. How anyone sat in that auditorium filming that without dying laughing is beyond me.


3. Goodbye, Toby- The feud between Toby and Michael is one of the best parts of the show. Probably the best feud in TV history. I think the best part of this whole episode might be when Dwight convinces Holly that Kevin is mentally challenged. The scene where he is trying to figure out what snack to get and empties his pocket trying to count his change makes me die, and kind of reminds me of myself at work sometimes. I will probably at some point in my life give a gift like the one Michael gives to Toby too, a giant rock with a note that says suck on this on it. Kind of like what the Orlando Magic got from the Sixers and Lakers.”Of all the idiots, in all the idiot villages, in all the idiot worlds..you stand alone my friend”.

2. Product Recall- How can anyone forget that little duck having sex with the mouse? At least it was consensual. This episode is probably Creed’s finest episode as well.”Every week I’m supposed to do a quality check in the paper mill and of course the one year I blow it off, this happens”. Michael probably drops his best line also telling the client who comes in for the press conference to call the ungrateful biotch hotline. Plus the apology video, I tried to find a link for it but theres no good ones. Too much going on in this episode to recall all of it but its 22 minutes of the opposite of Sandusky.

1. Conflict Resolution- This episode is the best just because of the scene where Jim goes through all his pranks on Dwight. It is just 3 minutes straight of laughing hysterically. My favorite is Dwight finding a bloody glove in his desk and says Jim tried to convince him he committed murder.The rest of the episode is priceless also. Dwight’s I.D on the huge laminate that said security threat. “Someone complained that the bathroom is white’s only…Stanley you know this isn’t true”. Just too many good parts in this episode which gives it the glory of number 1.