Open Letter to President Obama

Dear President Obama,

How’s it going? I’ m sure you’re busy watching college basketball right now trying to get ready for your 1 hour bracket special coming up in a few months so I’ll try and keep it short to not take up too much of your time. I graduated from college last May with a piece of paper worth $70,000 and a bank account that said zero because I spent my last $30 on my cap and gown in order to graduate. That’s weird right? We pay all that money to go to school for 4 years and have to buy our cap and gown in order to graduate. Anyway, all I heard through my 4 years were how the numbers were growing of college graduates that were unemployed or underemployed and I was very optimistic because I knew that there would be a new president elected shortly after I graduated. Surely that would make things 150 times better. The economy would turn around, more jobs would be created, my tax money wouldn’t be going to people sitting at home not working because they don’t want to. Unfortunately, my optimism wasn’t enough to keep the loonies out of the voting booth’s that day. While we are on the subject, I wanted to say congratulations on your inauguration the other day. I have to applaud having Lupe Fiasco there to ring in your 4 years of presidency. I’m thinking you need a new event planner, should I attach my resume to this? Oh wait, I wouldn’t be able to get the job any way because I need experience because I have had so much time to gain experience, you know, while studying full time to get a degree to get a job. Weird, I know.

The real reason I’m writing this letter is to ask for your advice. I have a huge decision I need to make and I should ask the person with the best judgement out there. And yes, spending an hour on television talking about college basketball is definitely a good decision compared to all the other boring, non important things you could have been doing like trying to figure out why our country sucks now. So since I can’t find a job and I’m sending my paycheck to you every week, I have narrowed my options down and I need to know what the best route for me would be.

1. Join the Occupy Wall Street Movement– This is what I think is my best option. At this point I’m basically praying Wells Fargo goes bankrupt so why not join forces with the best movement out there ready to take on the big banks? I already have a tent, I have plenty of cardboard available to make clever, witty signs since I go through 30’s every week just to pretend I’m still in college, and I’m out of deodorant right now so that will cut costs for me and will make me fit right in. The only thing I’m missing is a pony tail, dark eye shadow, skinny jeans, moccasins, and I have a functioning brain which would put me in the minority.

2. Move to Canada– Have you ever been to Canada? I’m sure you have. You’ve definitely been to St. Catherine Street in Montreal. Don’t worry I won’t tell the First Lady. I just hope when you went to Cleopatra you walked upstairs and not downstairs. I mean, unless you’re into that then that’s totally cool. But realistically, Canada would be awesome. Hockey 24/7, and, well, that’s pretty much it. But hey, that’s better than here. Maybe I could even get my foot run over by a postal truck like Seth Rogen in Knocked Up and get like 10,000 bucks from the British Columbia government. I’m not a mathematician or anything but that could last me like, 10 years. If I got my foot run over by a postal truck here I would be sitting in the emergency room for 9 hours and be so pissed off by the end that I forget to even file a lawsuit.

3. Find a time machine, become a citizen of Mexico, then illegally immigrate to whatever state in America I want and then be eligible for in-state tuition– This one would be real tough to pull off. I have most of the kinks worked out but it’s still risky but definitely worth the risk. I mean, I live in New Hampshire. We have like 4 state schools, all of which are more expensive than they should be. Why would I be restricted to that state when I can be an illegal immigrant and get to go to school wherever I want for in-state prices? Best of both worlds! Illegal immigrants should definitely be rewarded for coming to this country without permission. And I was starting to think the American dream was working at a grocery store with debt up to my eyeballs.

So the ball is in your court prez. As Brett Favre once said, what should I do? It’s pretty cold out right now so if you’re going to suggest 1 or 2, please at least wait until Spring. And if you are going to suggest 3, the least you could do is hook me up with a free Hepatitis shot. Or maybe you are in a giving mood while reading this and you could hook me up with a sweet job or maybe pay my debt for me. I know this is a little far fetched since you aren’t the type of guy to promote hand-outs, you like to make people earn the money they receive and I get that. Oh and if you get a chance, try and get most of the schools to offer a “paper or plastic? 101” class. I feel like that class would help most of the 53% of the underemployed college grads more than any of that economics and finance mumbo- jumbo.

Well, thanks for listening Mr. Obama. I need to get to sleep, got a long day of work tomorrow stocking the shelves at the grocery store. I’m sorry if I sound a little whiney in parts of this letter. But you can understand why I wouldn’t want to be outside in the cold with the Occupiers or living in Canada during winter, right? Well, good luck in your next term. If we can get through the Mayan calender ending, we can get through anything.

Sincerely,

Mike

 

P.S.- I know your a Tar Heels fan and I wish them the best of luck in the NIT this year. You should definitely do a NIT special to go along with your tourney picks.

Championship Weekend Preview

champLast weekend started out awesome and then the Falcons decided to poop their pants and lose probably a ton of people money. I ended up at 2-2 last week so that puts me at 5-3 for the playoffs. Needles to say I am a little disappointed, and this weekends picks are not easy at all. But you can bet all your money that I will never bet the Falcons ever again in my life after last week. Ever.

49ers @ Falcons (+5)- I had to look twice to make sure I was seeing it right but, yep, the Falcons are 5 point dogs at home. Kind of a slap in the face to Atlanta but you know what, they deserve it. How do you let Russ Wilson come back on you at home like that? I was hoping they’d lose when they gave up the lead. Didn’t deserve to win at all. After watching Kaepernick last week though, I can understand why Vegas favors the Niners. It was like watching a video game offense. Kaepernick’s speed was unbelievable and some of his throws were out of this world. I like the Niners to win the Super Bowl, but the Falcons certainly have an offense to keep up with the Niners and the fact that they finally got over the hump and one a playoff game scares me. Will it give them the much needed confidence to get over the hump and keep going on to the Super Bowl or will Matty Ice just be thankful he finally won a game? I’ll go with the latter. Blowout city today, Niners goin to the ship as G baby once said.

Tbow’s Pick- 49ers -5

Ravens @ Patriots (-10)- Well, last week I said 10 was just too much of a spread. Texans almost back-doored the cover but came up short. I think 10 is too much again for the spread, and I think this is going to be a dog fight, and Mike Vick isn’t invited. Ravens just went into Denver and honestly dominated them offensively. Champ Bailey couldn’t cover Helen Keller last week and that’s why they lost. Torrey Smith could have had 4 touchdowns if Flacco didn’t over throw him twice. The defense was very, very shaky and the little dink and dunks that Denver runs is similar to what the Patriots do. Brady throws a lot of 5-10 yard passes and only goes deep if the D begs him to. I think the Pats could easily pick on Ray in the middle and just eat up yards and time. But I don’t see that translating into a lot of points today. I think the Ravens can tighten up in the red zone and hold the Patriots to field goals rather than touchdowns, especially with no Gronk. I think the Ravens could win, and maybe it is destiny because good things happen to you if you murder someone. If you can get away with murder the sky is the limit, so Ravens go on to the Super Bowl to get an absolute beat down by the NIners.

Tbow’s Pick- Ravens +10

NFL Divisional Round Preview

diviosnlLast weeks games were the biggest let downs of all time. One of the worst weekends of football ever. Every game sucked and then we were all forced to watch RGIII basically forced into ripping his knee apart. I was a little angry with myself that I wasn’t aware Christian Ponder wasn’t going to be playing seeing as that game was my only loss of the week putting me at 3-1 for the playoffs but realistically 4-0. Whatever. So this weekends games seem like they will all be pretty good. Saturday we got the Ravens and Broncos and the Packers and 49ers. Then Sunday Pats and Texans and Seahawks and Falcons. So here are some top of the line picks that you should definitely bet on if you want to make some money this weekend:

Ravens @ Broncos (-10)– Really Vegas? This is the playoffs. Maybe they didn’t get the memo but the Broncos quarterback is notorious for playoff one-and-dones and this Ravens defense is coming off an emotional win where they literally gave the Bengals zero ground. From a betting stand-point this game is a lay-up. You take the Ravens with the points all day everyday. Now with that being said, I really am unsure of who is going to win this game. My gut is saying that the Broncos pull it out but my head is telling me Peyton Manning is going to do what he usually does and that is lose in the playoffs. I think it’s definitely a low scoring game and the Ravens win on a late field goal to send the two horses packing.

Tbow’s Pick- Ravens +10

Packers @ 49ers (-3)- By far the game of the weekend right here. Well, at least that’s what most people think but I see this as a one-sided affair. I picked the Pack to lose last week but they caught a huge break with Christian Ponder not playing. On the surface you might think he wouldn’t have made much of a difference but if you saw Joe Webb throw a football you would know that the Vikings had no chance with him behind center. The Packers are a mediocre defense at best and their offense hasn’t impressed me of late. I think the extra week of preparation will work to the Niners advantage and their big play capability will be what puts them over the edge against the Packers defense.

Tbow’s Pick- 49ers -3

Seahawks @ Falcons (-3)- This is the matchup that I am most looking forward to. I said last week I liked the Hawks to win but wasn’t sure if they had what it takes to play on the road. Honestly, last week didn’t tell me much. Was their defense really playing that good or was it all because RGIII had one knee? The offense turned it up in the 2nd half but that’s only because the Skins defense couldn’t get off the field because of the offensive 3 and outs. I will tell you one thing. If the Seahawks start the game on Sunday like they did last week there is no chance they win the game. I’m really surprised at how low the spread is for this game. Falcons at home where they dominate and they basically dominated the conference all year. This is Matty Ice’s last chance to show that he’s not completely useless in the playoffs and this franchise cannot afford to lose another playoff game at home. Hawks made a good run but they are young and will be back next year, they need to learn to play on the road too.

Tbow’s Pick- Falcons -3

Texans @ Patriots (-10)- This is a very interesting game to say the least. You see it all the time in the NFL how hard it is for teams to win 2 games against the same opponent in a short time span. Patriots laid a beating on the Texans in week 14, and it had a pretty obvious effect on the entire team the rest of the season. The Texans were honestly saved by having to play last week because if they had a bye and were coming into the divisional round against anyone following all those losses you can guarantee them to lay another goose egg. They got to play however and get a little bit of confidence back in their game and that should make for a better showing on Sunday. I do like them to keep it close but I don’t know if they have enough to beat the Pats. I think it is possible but I like the Pats by a touchdown or field goal in this one. Don’t expect a blow out.

Tbow’s Pick- Texans +10

NFL Playoff Preview

nflplayoffI tried out picking every game every week and after a few weeks it was just too much. So I figured I would save the most important picks for the playoffs. I don’t think I need to remind you how dominant I was last year, but I will any way. 9-2 overall picking with the spreads, including my exact score prediction nearly coming true if the Giants could have mustered that 2 point conversion. I have no idea right now what team has an edge on winning the Super Bowl, that’s how close I think most of the teams are. Well, let me retract that statement. That’s how close I think all the NFC teams are, and I think the NFC will win the Super Bowl again. So get your money on Bovada and bet all these games and then you can generously split the winnings with me:

Bengals @ Texans (-5)- Easiest money of the week right here. Yeah, most people already jumped ship on the Texans seeing as they have been playing garbage of late but let’s not forget how dominant they were over inferior opponents for the entire season. And honestly the Bengals are an inferior team. Defenses were able to contain AJ Green towards the end of the season, and I look for the Texans to come out and destroy the Bengals on the ground and also in the air the few times they will actually have to throw. Texans all the way from start to finish and will be looking to avenge their loss to the Pats in the Divisional Round.

Tbow’s Pick- Texans -5

Vikings @ Packers (-9)- I had been going back in forth in my head on this one a lot. In the NFL, it’s not easy to beat a team twice in a season, never mind twice in two weeks. Green Bay will have the advantage being at home and by just the sheer fact that they didn’t win last week. It will be cold in Lambeau and I think the cold will be the main factor in the game. As we saw last week, Rodgers tore apart the Vikings defense in the 2nd half, but that was in the 70 degree dome. I think Peterson continues his MVP season and the Vikings come out and stun the Packers on the road in this first week of the playoffs. Ever since their loss early to the Seahawks which should have been a win, the Packers have piled up the wins but have just not seemed completely right. With Jennings being hurt all season and Nelson playing here and there, the inconsistency I think hurt the offense and will be the demise of the Packers this season. There is hope for everyone, even Christian Ponder can win an NFL playoff game.

Tbow’s Pick- Vikings +9

Colts @ Ravens (-7)- It’s real hard not to root for the Colts this year with all that coach Chuck Pagano has gone through and what the team has done to rally around him. There are a few things we can’t forget about this team though. Andrew Luck is a rookie quarterback. Andrew Luck has not played well on the road this year. Baltimore has almost as big of a home field advantage as Seattle and lastly this could be Ray Lewis’s last game. I think all of that is too much for the Colts to over come. Luck will be a great QB in the league in years to come but I just don’t think the Colts as a team are there yet. They will definitely learn a lot from this game to take with them into next season, but I see Flacco playing well and Ray Rice controlling the game on the ground.

Tbow’s Pick- Ravens -7

Seahawks @ Redskins (+3)- This is the game I’m most looking forward to. Russel Wilson vs. RGIII. It’s really hard to bet against the Seahawks after the tear they have been on, but it’s also hard to bet against what the Skins have done in the same period. I do think that Seattle is a more complete team, mostly because their defense is on a much higher level than the Redskins. The only question is, what can the Seahawks do on the road? They were a mediocre road team all season, and the last road game they played wasn’t even a road game it was on neutral ground in Canada. I do think however that the Hawks defense can bottle up RGIII and the butler Alfred Morris and I think Lynch can keep going beast-mode and Wilson will do what he’s done all year which is manage the game well and limit mistakes.

Tbow’s Pick- Seahawks -3