How Pissed Would You Be If You Were Tim Tebow?

sanchezPoor Timmy is all I gotta say. How big of a slap in the face is it to trade for a quarterback only to try and ruin his career? If you don’t think the Jets just wanted to screw Tebow over you’re crazy. Everyone knows Tebow wants to be a quarterback. Whether anyone thinks he could be an NFL quarterback is irrelevant because Tebow doesn’t care. I’m sure he hated every single second he was on the punt team but he decided he could put up with it until Mark Sanchez showed his true colors and he could swoop in and save the day. Unfortunately for him, Rex Ryan is one of the worst head coaches of all time and brought the Jets down with his decision to stick with Sanchez week in and week out. And to boot, he goes and gives the job the last two weeks to the 3rd string quarterback who was inactive for half the games. Um, that makes total sense. Sure you can argue all day about which guy is better, and McElroy might be a better quarterback but what is the point of trading for Tebow if you have a guy who could be your future already on the roster? Let’s bring Tebow in, make him put on 25 pounds so it screws up his mobility and throwing, so we can have a guy we can run a fake punt to twice all season.

Tebow could have gone to Jacksonville and been starter by week 4. That team is god awful though, so I don’t blame him for wanting to go to New York instead. Think of the decision from Tim’s point of view: I’ll go to New York, get to live in the city, sit behind Sanchez until week 4 when they have 3 losses and Sanchez is playing like the terrible quarterback he is, take over a team with a solid defense, good running game, and who cares who the wide-out’s are because who needs wide receivers?  I think the Jets would definitely be in the playoffs if they handed the team over to Tebow earlier on in the season, but they would have been the same as the Broncos last year. Not really contenders because the defense is good but not that good and the offense has no weapons to come from behind and win a game. I would LOVE to see Tebow go to the Vikings next year. They have a very good defense, the best running back in the league, a solid tight end in Rudolph and a wide receiver in Percy Harvin who can do whatever you need him to. If that isn’t a perfect place for Tebow to thrive I’m not sure what is. And let’s face it, Christian Ponder is garbage. He won’t win you any games, and he sure as hell can lose you games single handedly. Tebow might  not win you that many games, but he is excellent at managing the game and making smart decisions to put you in position to win.

I know most of you reading this probably hate Tebow and think he sucks, but any normal thinking human can’t possibly not feel bad for the guy this season. If you win 8 games in the NFL at QB you deserve a chance to lose your job, not be subject to the side show known as the New York Jets. Vote and tell me what you think, whether you feel bad for Tebow this year or whether you think he deserved to be part of this joke team.

Three Days Left Until the End of the World

2012Now, I am the biggest advocate for December 21, 2012. I’ve actually been banking on it the past few years. Wells Fargo and the Government can’t find me if the world is ending, right? Honestly though, I thought I was the only person who actually believed the world was going to end soon. But after spending the last 8 hours watching the Discovery Channel, I clearly was wrong. That has me somewhat frightened. So, there’s actually millions of other people including scientists at Harvard and shit who think this is actually a possibility, not just some random guy in his basement claiming a Rapture? Oh god. Either way, this has got me thinking about how the world is actually going to end on Friday. In my personal opinion, I just think Friday will be the beginning of the end. Something rather catastrophic will happen that will set things in motion. Maybe something like a natural disaster, or Obama doing something right for once in office, or just something very unusual that will make your first instinct be, “oh shit, where’s my Mayan calender?”

The Discovery Channel  is definitely pulling for a zombie apocalypse. Showing all these sickos who are actually prepping for the Walking Dead to be reality. I kind of dig it though. There’s nothing wrong with being prepared. These are definitely the people who are at the grocery store buying every battery and gallon of water possible when the weather man says we are getting 2 inches of snow. Zombie apocalypse checklist: Shotgun, knife/machete, food, water, pistol, ammo. And yeah this would probably be the one time I don’t forget to bring my phone charger somewhere  I think a zombie apocalypse would be awesome. Minus the having to live in the middle of nowhere hoping there isn’t someone trying to bite your face off behind you. According to the CDC though, there is no zombie epidemic, and taking bath salts make you eat someones face off, naked in Miami. Best. Cover-up. Ever.

Other people think that there is going to be like a huge wave of water that just tsunami’s us all. Or solar flares that burn our faces off. Or gas build up blowing up the Earth’s crust. All very valid options. These are the last things I want to happen. There’s no fun in just one second and poof there goes the world. There has to be some drama in it all.  Has anyone ever just thought that maybe, just maybe, that one Mayan guy was just really tired from carving out 5,000 years of calender into his stone tablet and pulled a Forrest Gump and just said ” I’m kind of tired, I think I’ll go home now”.

So what do you guys think? Vote on the poll and let me know how the world will end on Friday. If you have any other ideas feel free to comment too. But do it before Friday or else we’ll never know.

Wait, there’s a football game tonight?

images (1)

Man, you would think today was the damn Super Bowl. I guess that’s how I would act too if my favorite team played one good team a year.  Anyway, I’m excited because it should be a good game. What I would give for my Eagles to switch with the Patriots and move to the AFC East and put the Pats in the NFC East. 6 automatic wins almost every year. And the only reason I say almost every year is because once in a while the Jets will make the playoffs so those games are harder. I will give my expert analysis however and give both teams keys to victories:

Patriots keys: If the Patriots want to win tonight, it’s all about scoring and scoring early. Now, this could be a problem because it is pretty crappy outside, but weather might not come into play that much. I realize the Texans can score as well, but scoring early and often will really put pressure on the Houston offense which would love to sit on the ball and control the clock. On defense it’s all about stopping the run. Containing Foster would be huge and give the Patriots a clear advantage. The pass defense should be simple. If you want any chance of winning a Super Bowl, you should be able to stop one wide receiver. Houston only has Andre Johnson, and he is a good wide out but the one goal is to contain him for no big plays. Dink and dunks are fine, as long as you can score on offense. Try and get to 30 and hope you can outscore that offense.

Texans keys: Control the clock. If Houston can run, which they can, I really like them tonight. The best way to beat the Patriots is to keep their offense off the field. You know the Patriots offense will score, but it’s not impossible to hold them to 20. Limit possessions and put pressure on Tom Brady. If you can force a few turnovers and run the ball there is no reason to not win this game.

Needless to say, I like the Texans. Honestly, the Patriots have not beaten a really good team in who knows how long. Last year they lost to every good team in the regular season and didn’t beat the Ravens, Billy Cundiff and Lee Evans beat the Ravens. Maybe this is the game where the Pats can show that they are the real deal and aren’t just going to beat up on mediocre teams and then lose to the Giants in the Super Bowl again. I just think the Texans defense is too good, and the Patriots defense isn’t there yet. I see a low scoring game tonight, even though many expect it to possibly be a shootout. The only way it will be a shootout is if the Texans defense shits themselves and forgets how to play. Patriots will score but not a lot and it should be a good, tough, hard fought game. Pats fans better hope it doesn’t come down to a field goal or they might be signing Billy Cundiff next week because Gostkowski is garbage.

Prediction: Houston 21- Patriots- 20

Top 10 Most Important Things I learned in College

So it has been about 6 months since I unfortunately graduated from college, and my good old grace period for loans is up. It was a good run. Now that I’m safely in Canada under the alias of Harry Balzonya I figured it was a good time to reflect on the best 4 years a human will ever have. Unless your on like a 5 or 6 year plan which I should have done. Either way, here is my top 10 most important things that I learned through my 4 years at college:

10. There is always tomorrow for homework– I used to be a huge procrastinator in high school, and I was a bigger procrastinator in college. The only difference being I actually ended up doing the work in college. Regardless, when I would just be sitting there in bed after skipping class with a huge paper due the next day, the one thing I figured out was that there is always tomorrow. It didn’t matter if the class was at 10. Wake up at 7, make your life a living hell that day, but Netflix for the entire day before is much more important.

9. Opening windows from the outside instead of using a door is bad– I may or may not have tried going into a building through a gigantic glass window and had the top half crash and shatter everywhere. I learned that doors are much more sturdy and a safer option to go through if your main goal is to get into a house. And for the record I definitely did not break that window.

8. Funneling is > Shotgunning– Funneling is just too simple of a process not to be better than shotgunning. You pour the beer in and wait for the foam to go down and drink. Shotgunning is too much work for me these days. Not to mention I feel like I’m about to slice my finger off and bleed out in the bathroom with 10 people watching.

 

7. Registering for Classes is the worst thing ever invented by anyone– Waking up at 6:55, turning on that laptop, getting to your page with your classes in it, hitting submit and BAM. Your adviser forgot to sign off that you went over your classes with him and all your classes fill up right before your eyes. Thankfully nothing too drastic ever happened to me on registration day but god damn. There’s gotta be a better way. I had nightmares of that damn big red stop sign popping up the morning I’m trying to get my classes. All I could think of was having to wake up before 2 pm every day and having classes on Thursday and Friday. Freakin miserable. I get the chills just thinking about it.

6. “I’m doing homework” is a college guys code for “I’m playing COD”– Now, let me make this clear. If you have your laptop out with a word document open with your name, date, and class written in the top corner, that qualifies as doing homework. Sometimes I wish there would have been a timer on Microsoft Word that would tell me how long I let my document sit there with just my name written on it. This one kind of goes back to the other lesson that there’s always tomorrow but playing Call of Duty all night is much more exciting than writing a paper on a book that I didn’t read. You would think that teachers would realize that nobody read the books in their 4 years of high school, why would it change now.

“You better call PETA today. I’m shooting a dog in the face.”

5. Hangovers are absolutely terrible– I think half of my days as an undergrad were spent with a hangover. And I can not function with a hangover so that tells you how much I got done in 4 years. I swear to this day that I had a 2 week hangover after one of my birthdays. Needless to say it was the worst 2 weeks of my life. I guess we should all be thankful that hangovers exist because, if they didn’t then we would all never stop drinking. But a life with no hangovers would be 150% better.

4. If your teacher wrote ” Students are allowed 3 absences before their grade is affected” on the syllabus it means they want you to miss 3 classes– I hated hearing people say you’re paying for the class and then like breaking down each class and how much it is costing you. If my teacher sits there and talks about a power point for 45 minutes and then posts that power point online the next day you better believe I’m taking my 3 days. Besides, the options are sit in class on my laptop on Facebook for 45 minutes or sit in my bed on my laptop on Facebook for 45 minutes so I think the answer is clear.

3. Never leave your door unlocked, ever– I don’t even know why I put this because half the time it didn’t even matter if the door was locked or not. I think I should have wrote never live with me or my roommates. Mostly every prank that happened was on an April Fools day but for a while it was just whenever the opportunity presented itself.

prank

 

2. If you don’t remember it……it still happened–  At first I thought this wasn’t true. I was really banking on the fact that if I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen. Especially the time when I allegedly drank a handle that was left outside in the hallway labeled “free” that probably was full of toilet water. Or when everyone woke me up in the middle of the night and told me we were leaving and I packed my bag and sat in the car. The sooner you can cope with the fact that, as Mike Tyson and Stu once said ” People do dumb shit when they’re fucked up” the better.

1. Graduating sucks– The ceremony sucks. Leaving school sucks. Getting your diploma sucks. Listening to the commencement speaker ramble on about nothing sucks. Wearing a cap and gown sucks. Taking 5,000 pictures sucks. Paying loans suck. And most importantly the real world sucks.

 

Yeah, unless you wanna work 40 hours a week.

There ya have it. As you can see I learned a lot in 4 years. Definitely worth 75K. Don’t worry though people, only 15 more days until the end of the world. Honestly, I just hope Wells Fargo falls of the face of the earth. Either way.